Totally Useless: 10 Worst Sequels of All Time

This week's awesomely useless list celebrates the absolute abortion of cinema that is the horrible sequel.

10. Speed 2 - Speed isn't necessarily the greatest movie of all time, but for what it's worth it isn't that bad. Speed 2 however, is an asbolute turd. Any movie where one of the biggest subplots is rescuing a deaf kid from drowning in less than 3 feet of water is destined to be atrocious. You can't even reccomend it for comical value...it's that bad.
9. Son of the Mask - I'm pretty sure the meeting went something like this, "Hey guys, let's take a wildly successful movie, take out every bit that made it successful, add in the D-List PBS quality star that is Jamie Kennedy, and mix the two elements everybody loves, CGI talking babies and slapstick poop humor together and it'll be even BETTER than the original".
8. The Nutty Professor 2 - Again, like Speed, The Nutty Professor is far from being a cinematic gem, but for what it was it wasn't HORRIBLE. However, it was the movie where Eddie Murphy decided that he could play every single character...and thus the atrocity of Nutty Professor 2 was born. If you're the type of person who constantly sucks air through their teeth when they have a toothache just to feel the pain and make sure it still hurts, then you'll probably love the sado-masichistic thrill that is watching Nutty Professor 2.
7. Men in Black II - The first Men in Black was awesome because it was funny, but kick ass at the same time. Then the sequel came and it felt more like a direct-to-DVD movie. Rosario Dawson somehow managed to make herself look unattractive in this movie and was victim to such horrible dialogue exchanges as:

Rosario Dawson

A lot of people are sad when it rains.

Tommy Lee Jones

It rains because you're sad baby.

If the Shakespearean quality dialogue wasn't enough, it doesn't end there. This movie suffered from "Premature Trailer-Ejaculation" syndrome. They showed the same jokes over and over and over in the trailer and TV spots that by the time it came in the film I was already tired of it. Yes, I get it. The car driver was originally a black man but kept getting pulled over. It's funny because it's edgy...because black people get pulled over in nice cars....because they're black...and that's why the joke is funny...

6. 2 Fast 2 Furious - When the first movie came out, it was cool and different and you didn't really have to even file it under guilty pleasure because EVERYBODY liked it. Then the sequel came. Somehow, the main cop character who after going under cover lets Vin Diesel go at the end of the first movie avoids prosecution and jail time for aiding a fugitive if he goes undercover again...because CLEARLY he did such a bang up job the first time around. But of course, just to be sure the job is done efficiently, they team him up with his friend that just got out of prison for stealing cars and is on parole. All the bases covered? Nope! You forgot Ludacris, the pimp/illegal stolen parts shop owner who helps bring down the "bad guys". Who needs the armed forces when he have the G-Unit soldiers?

5. Die Hard 2: Die Harder - Let us imagine that the Die Hard movies are like your family. Die Hard 2 is like your cousin you only see once or twice a year. You are obligated by familial laws to love it. You don't have to like it, and you don't, but if it died in a car accident, you'd be kinda bummed...you know, that kind of love...that obligitory love. That's how I feel about Die Hard 2, which is showered in horriblly cheesey late 80's/early 90's set pieces and dialogue that makes Men in Black II look like Citizen Kane. The other sequels are no bed of roses either, but Die Hard 2 doesn't Die Hard at all...it just Sucks Hard.

4. Blade: Trinity - Blade and Blade II are two of the most kickass movies of all time. It was almost impossible to screw up...almost. So how did they achieve absolute sucktitude? How about reducing Blade to nothing more than a babysitter for Jessica Biel and Ryan Reynolds as they lollygagged around half-assed as if they were self aware of how much they actually sucked. However, this movie should be watched just to see the most awesomely bad product placement of all time. While fighting deadly vampires, Jessica Biel actually stops and puts on her iPod, because, you know, when you're fighting deadly creatures you should always make sure you can't hear them coming.

3. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End - The law of diminishing returns finally caught up with the Pirates franchise by the third one. This movie is like a fart after a hefty meal full of meat and alcohol. It smells so bad, but at the same time, you kinda circle around the fart and try to nab a whiff of it because, well, it's your brand dammit. The highlights of the movie are so few and so far between that by the 45 minute mark of this 3 hour epic crap fest, you don't even care anymore because everybody has backstabbed everybody at least 3 times already. I still have no idea what happened entirely. If I want to be confused watching a movie, I'll pop in the first Mission: Impossible.

2. Batman and Robin - It pains me to have to put a Batman movie in the worst list, but it was inevitable. This movie is so bad that George Clooney, the man who plays Batman, admits it is crap. This movie was a double edged sword...it was so bad that it killed the Batman series of films...on the other hand, it was so bad that it killed the series of films and forced them to start over with Batman Begins and the even more amazing Dark Knight. If only all other crappy movies could use their awfulness for good...

1. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace - Jar Jar. 8 year old Anakin "accidently" blowing up the space station. Jar Jar. Confusing as hell politics that absolutely NOBODY cares about. Jar Jar. Darth Maul, the coolest looking villain in the Star Wars universe getting killed like a bitch without saying more than a few words. Did I mention Jar Jar?