Since the dawn of time...man has been trying to get away with saying the F word on radio and television. It's true...George Carlin made a whole comedy routine about it (7 dirty words). Many have tried, but few have been able to dupe a majority of the public into accepting the F word over broadcast airwaves. Then came Britney Spears...
I heard the song "If You Seek Amy" on the radio the other day and besides not really being a great song, I was completely confused. The lyrics didn't make sense to me at all.
"All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy."
Normally this kind of oddity of word choice would invoke investigation into the meaning of the lyrics...but it's Britney Spears. We've seen her crazy antics over the last couple of years. So of course, I chalked it up to "Britney just being Britney".
Then yesterday, I had a moment of clarity. I heard it again and was thinking "it's still a stupid title...if you seek Amy...U seek amy...U C K Me...holy crap...BRITNEY IS SPELLING OUT THE F WORD! SHE'S DONE IT!
You see, Britney has outsmarted the censors and has come closer than anyone ever has to making the F word acceptable on public airwaves. This is my theory...I don't think Britney ever really went crazy. I think it was all a ruse. I think she planned this from the start. Her goal was to get the F word on the radio. So...she started doing crazy things and letting the media label her a loose cannon. That way, when she pulled this diabolical stunt, nobody questions the words not making sense because Britney is just crazy anyways!
I thought maybe I was just late to the game on this one...but I talked to my friend last night who is a hardcore Britney Spears fan and she was shocked at the revelation too...thinking the words were just Britney being Britney. I'm willing to bet a MAJORITY of the people that hear this song won't pick it up...which is amazing. Britney...I take back what I've said in the past. You are an evil genius.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Religious chain letters are hilarious...
So, my mom likes to send me these "inspirational stories" that are no more than religious chain letters. I usually see the dreaded 3 letter subject "FWD:" and delete it, but today, I read it...and it was hilarious. Allow me to publish it in full for you:
The Brick!!! Read It.
Read this today and don't delete it even if you are too busy!! You'll see.
THE BRICK
A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown.. The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, 'What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?' The young boy was apologetic. 'Please, mister....please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do,' He pleaded. 'I threw the brick because no one else would stop....' With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. 'It's my brother, 'he said 'He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up.'
Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me.'
Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat... He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. 'Thank you and may God bless you,' the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.
It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: 'Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!' God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not..
Thought for the Day:
If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.
If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.
He sends you flowers every spring.
He sends you a sunrise every morning Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!
Send this to every 'beautiful person' you wish to bless.
God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow,sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way..
Read this line very slowly and let it sink in...
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
Pass this message to seven people except you and me.
You will receive a miracle tomorrow ( just do it)!
First of all...let's not kid ourselves. This never happened. Ever. You know how I know? Because nobody is dumb enough to throw a brick at a moving car. A rock? Maybe. If I had to, I'd throw a rock at somebody's car to get their attention, but a brick? Isn't that a bit excessive? Besides, last time I checked...bricks are kind of heavy. This kid can throw a brick at a moving car but can't pick up his brother? Do you know how hard you'd have to throw a brick at a moving car (doesn't matter how slow it's going) to actually hit it, let alone make a huge dent in it?
Ok, but let us just overlook the implausibility factor for a moment. Lets take it for face value: an inspirational story...a long winded one at that, but inspirational in an odd sort of way (lets face it, there are a ton of these floating around and this one isn't the best one). It's almost acceptable until the end where you MUST pass it along if you want a miracle. That's right...you guessed it. God has a daily quota of miracles to perform, and your name only gets on the list if you forward this to 7 people (not including you and me). Why pray?! START SPAMMING! That's how you get things done! How is this not a chain letter again?
But that's ok, because this provided the biggest laugh of the day for me. My new favorite catchphrase "If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it". For some reason I just hear Peter Griffin saying that and I start cracking up. I have no problem with religious inspirational stories...I think we need them. For crying out loud, the Bible is full of them...but this is chain mail garbage full of cheesey one liners that some crack pot sat around writing thinking "I'm so effin deep and inspiring". Time to FWD: this to the SPAM folder.
The Brick!!! Read It.
Read this today and don't delete it even if you are too busy!! You'll see.
THE BRICK
A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown.. The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, 'What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?' The young boy was apologetic. 'Please, mister....please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do,' He pleaded. 'I threw the brick because no one else would stop....' With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. 'It's my brother, 'he said 'He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up.'
Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me.'
Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat... He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. 'Thank you and may God bless you,' the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.
It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: 'Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!' God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not..
Thought for the Day:
If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.
If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.
He sends you flowers every spring.
He sends you a sunrise every morning Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!
Send this to every 'beautiful person' you wish to bless.
God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow,sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way..
Read this line very slowly and let it sink in...
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
Pass this message to seven people except you and me.
You will receive a miracle tomorrow ( just do it)!
First of all...let's not kid ourselves. This never happened. Ever. You know how I know? Because nobody is dumb enough to throw a brick at a moving car. A rock? Maybe. If I had to, I'd throw a rock at somebody's car to get their attention, but a brick? Isn't that a bit excessive? Besides, last time I checked...bricks are kind of heavy. This kid can throw a brick at a moving car but can't pick up his brother? Do you know how hard you'd have to throw a brick at a moving car (doesn't matter how slow it's going) to actually hit it, let alone make a huge dent in it?
Ok, but let us just overlook the implausibility factor for a moment. Lets take it for face value: an inspirational story...a long winded one at that, but inspirational in an odd sort of way (lets face it, there are a ton of these floating around and this one isn't the best one). It's almost acceptable until the end where you MUST pass it along if you want a miracle. That's right...you guessed it. God has a daily quota of miracles to perform, and your name only gets on the list if you forward this to 7 people (not including you and me). Why pray?! START SPAMMING! That's how you get things done! How is this not a chain letter again?
But that's ok, because this provided the biggest laugh of the day for me. My new favorite catchphrase "If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it". For some reason I just hear Peter Griffin saying that and I start cracking up. I have no problem with religious inspirational stories...I think we need them. For crying out loud, the Bible is full of them...but this is chain mail garbage full of cheesey one liners that some crack pot sat around writing thinking "I'm so effin deep and inspiring". Time to FWD: this to the SPAM folder.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Does the punishment really fit the crime?
Bernie Madoff...put a gun to my head and I couldn't explain to you what he did...but whatever it was, he apparently screwed a butt load of people out of a butt load of money. So, if I was Miss Cleo (whatever happened to her by the way?) I would predict prison time would be in his future. So, I see this article on MSN (cheap plug, please pay me) that he pleads guilty and could face up to 150 years in jail. I'm sure there is a reason why they do this that I'm just too uneducated to realize, but why do they hand out these ridiculously long sentences that obviously nobody could carry out? I mean sure, if this was biblical times and you lived as long as Moses I could see 150 years just being a sizable chunk of your life...but come on...who really lives past 80 anymore? What's the point? Why not just say life sentence...for as long as you're living you are in jail. And what about people who get double life sentences? What does that even mean? If you die and are reincarnated your next life is ALSO sentenced to life in prison? You know who are the people that REALLY stay in jail for a long time? Death row inmates. How many times have you heard "...who has been on Death Row for 20 years..." How hard is it to kill these people? Shouldn't it take like an hour tops? I could probably wipe them all out in a day if I was focused and had nothing to distract me. Why don't they just line everybody up and get a firing squad? How hard would that be? I realize it's kind of Nazi-ish, but really, it is pretty efficient. Gotta at least give them credit for that. I mean they always talk about over-crowded jails...well that's because you keep these people who are sentenced to die around for so dang long. Stop hoarding death row inmates and start spring cleaning them out.
Just let me make the laws. Let me be in charge and I'll fix everything. I'll watch the Watchmen. Speaking of which...go watch the Watchmen....the movie...because it's awesome...and it's Watchmen...in IMAX...which makes it more awesome. Fin.
Just let me make the laws. Let me be in charge and I'll fix everything. I'll watch the Watchmen. Speaking of which...go watch the Watchmen....the movie...because it's awesome...and it's Watchmen...in IMAX...which makes it more awesome. Fin.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
(sigh) Oh Jack...
So I'm watching the Real World Brooklyn online (not gonna lie, the tranny had me hooked from day one), and I had to sit through another one of those Jack in the Box commercials. I really don't get this marketing gimmick. Why would you potentially kill your spokesperson in a dramatic soap-opera like fashion that spans three commercials (and counting)? What was the point? The greedy exec taking over (Phil in the Box...please). How many small kids are crying because they think Jack is dead? Speaking of which...how creepy is the Burger King...King. He creeps me the hell out. And why are the Trix just for kids? That's agism. And what about the Lucky Charms leprechan? Does he ever get the cereal? Does the cukoo for cocopuffs guy get the cereal? Why the hell do the mascot characters never get the damn item? This is gay. I'm now officially a little ticked off. And for the love of God, the box is big enough for both Fred AND Barney to have a bowl of fruity pebbles. We need a change. We need it now.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Timing is everything
I'm tired of everybody up in my business. No...I'm not talking about people getting involved in my personal life (which by the way, my personal drama consists of whether or not I should watch The Office live and then DVR Grey's Anatomy or other way around). I'm talking about employees at restaurants and other establishments that just seem to have no sense of personal space or timing. Example...last night at the gym one of the workers was wiping down the machines as per his duties. However, he proceeded to wipe down the bike that I was on while I was on it. Not only does that defeat the purpose since I'm obviously still sweating over it long after he leaves, but he was basically date raping me...giving me that "hey, it's my job...what can I do?" look while I just had to sit there and act like it wasn't incredibly awkward. Then today at Subway it was pretty much the same thing. I'm sitting there eating my 5, 5 dollar, 5 dollar foot long sub and homey starts wiping my table RIGHT THEN. No pressure there to not spill the pounds of lettuce they put in those subs over his freshly washed table. He couldn't wait till I had gone? I mean, I realize when business is slow you have to do other things to keep busy, but not at the expense of the customer.
Lesson to be learned: timing is key. Don't wipe my table while I'm eating. Don't wipe down my machine while I'm still working out. And don't vaccuum my living room right in the middle of Saved by the Bell. I don't care if I've seen them all...that won't fly in my house.
Lesson to be learned: timing is key. Don't wipe my table while I'm eating. Don't wipe down my machine while I'm still working out. And don't vaccuum my living room right in the middle of Saved by the Bell. I don't care if I've seen them all...that won't fly in my house.
Monday, March 2, 2009
We're back!!
So, I finally moved and apparently according to a text I got from my friend, my apartment complex just had a fire the weekend I left. I leave and the whole place falls to pieces...
So, I have no uniform theme or anything to say, just a lot of musings.
I had heard of the UK singer Lily Allen, but I had never heard any of her songs and couldn't put a face to the name. Then on the radio I heard her new single "The Fear" and fell in love with it. So I went on youtube to listen to it when I got home (I youtube songs when I can't afford to download them from iTunes...ghetto? Maybe. It's the coinstar method of online music) and I found a video of her performing it live on Jay Leno (Yes, I linked it for you)...and wow. I fell in love. If I were a polygmast, she'd be one of my wives. As soon as I said that, I started to watch the new Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles episode (the best show you're not watching), and of course my real wife, Summer Glau, starts the show off in her bra and panties. Apparently my wives are fiercely competing for my affection..and it's heating up.
Also, I went to the gym today for the first time since...probably the Reagan administration, and I saw an old Asian man talking on a cellphone...but not just any cellphone...that's right...a ZACK MORRIS BRICK PHONE! It made my day. That's right...EVERYTHING comes back to SBTB.
New Terminator: Salvation trailer came out today. Look at how generous I am...linking you to all these things. Of course, the 2 people that read my blog don't care about it and won't watch it. But you know what, I wouldn't be me if I didn't gush about it.
WATCHMEN FRIDAY!
Time for sorbet and How I Met Your Mother
-Billy
PS: I now only watch shows on DVR-Delay. Life is too short for commercials.
PSS: Sometimes, rules and silences are meant to be broken.
So, I have no uniform theme or anything to say, just a lot of musings.
I had heard of the UK singer Lily Allen, but I had never heard any of her songs and couldn't put a face to the name. Then on the radio I heard her new single "The Fear" and fell in love with it. So I went on youtube to listen to it when I got home (I youtube songs when I can't afford to download them from iTunes...ghetto? Maybe. It's the coinstar method of online music) and I found a video of her performing it live on Jay Leno (Yes, I linked it for you)...and wow. I fell in love. If I were a polygmast, she'd be one of my wives. As soon as I said that, I started to watch the new Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles episode (the best show you're not watching), and of course my real wife, Summer Glau, starts the show off in her bra and panties. Apparently my wives are fiercely competing for my affection..and it's heating up.
Also, I went to the gym today for the first time since...probably the Reagan administration, and I saw an old Asian man talking on a cellphone...but not just any cellphone...that's right...a ZACK MORRIS BRICK PHONE! It made my day. That's right...EVERYTHING comes back to SBTB.
New Terminator: Salvation trailer came out today. Look at how generous I am...linking you to all these things. Of course, the 2 people that read my blog don't care about it and won't watch it. But you know what, I wouldn't be me if I didn't gush about it.
WATCHMEN FRIDAY!
Time for sorbet and How I Met Your Mother
-Billy
PS: I now only watch shows on DVR-Delay. Life is too short for commercials.
PSS: Sometimes, rules and silences are meant to be broken.
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