How to be a Player God's Way

(Sigh)...here we go again...

I recently stumbled upon this video called "HOW TO BE A PLAYER GOD'S WAY" (it's linked for your viewing pleasure) and I was floored. Apparently someone found and uploaded this old promotional video for a camp where the concept is for Christian women to go to a retreat to learn how to convert men they date to Christianity. My jaw hit the floor. People can't REALLY be that stupid...right? I did a little more digging and found out that the concept is very, very real. Apparently it's based on a program called "Date to Save" and thousands of Christian women are employing these techniques to "ensnare" men to Jesus...because clearly, that's how he would want you to do it.

You know why a lot of people are sour on Christianity and Christians in particular? Because a lot of them are just ass backwards stupid. Christianity is about love, acceptance, serving the Lord by being an example. But you can't convert someone through good deeds! Oh no! That's not a good sales pitch! You have to use fear! "Join my religion or burn in the bottomless pits of hell!" You have to use manipulation! "Have problems in your life? Jesus will solve each and every one of them just by accepting him...you will never have another problem again!" You have to use...sex! "Wanna get in these pants? What faith is your penis?" Christianity unfortunately has become a product to be sold, and sadly, the whole point of it has become somewhat lost. A lot of people who claim to be spiritual warriors are the first to discriminate and condemn homosexuals and really anyone who doesn't believe what they do...when I'm pretty sure the man who's teachings we follow LOVES and ACCEPTS EVERYBODY...WE ARE ALL GOD'S CHILDREN! But unfortunately, people like these faith flirter girls just don't get it, and they give all of us who love the Lord a bad name. And let's just stop and think for a minute. Ok, let's assume that homosexuality IS a sin...aren't we all sinners? How is that being a sin any different than me telling a lie or breaking any other commandment? We're all sinners? What makes one sin worse than the rest? They're all sins in God's eyes and that's the whole point of Christianity...that Jesus redeemed us for those sins and we are FORGIVEN. What would people think if they knew I was a Jesus freak? Thanks to a lot of idiots, they'd probably already have the wrong idea...

And along comes this video...it's so ridiculous it's hilarious. I keep watching it on repeat because it's so mind numbingly shocking that I can't help but laugh. I wouldn't touch a faith flirter with a ten foot pole. "Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought how can I use this to serve the Lord?"...wow...have YOU ever looked in the mirror? I love the attempts at making Christianity a "hip" new venture. Low carb communion? Check. Makeovers? Check. Sigh...sex sells. Who would really buy this?

How to be a Player God's Way - watch more funny videos

- Billy

Awkwardness

I originally sent this as an email to the lovely Ms. Griffo (who I miss considerably), but it's just too weird to not share with the rest of the world. How do I always end up in these strange situations?


So I'm in the bathroom shaving (I like to try to be trendy and have a five oclock shadow at all times...it's actually very tough to pull off the "I'm not homeless but I don't care enough to shave" look) and I notice that the sink isn't really draining. "Damn" I think to myself, "I'm going to have to go get a bottle of Drain-O at the store". So as I'm heading to the grocery store I say aloud, "You know what, you've been working hard the last couple of days and I know you've been stressed out. Guess what...I'm making you your favorite dinner" (I am very kind to myself). So I start shopping and getting all the ingredients for a nice dinner and I go get the bottle of Drain-O and I decide that as long as I'm here, I might as well get some more razor blades since I'll never otherwise remember to get them. So I go to the express checkout lane (which is a joke, because that's the lane where the old people bring up ONE can of pork and beans and make a huge scene if the store won't accept a 3 cent off coupon which ends up taking an hour to resolve when I could have waited in the regular line and been done by that point) and I start to put my groceries on the little conveyor belt (which I also hate because then everybody is just looking at my life in terms of groceries as I put them on there and are basically judging me right there on the spot) and the checkout lady looks at me like I'm pointing a loaded gun at her. Her eyes are wide open and i can just see this look of fear, but for the life of me I have no idea why.

"Hello sir. How are you doing today?"

Pretty innocent question. I shurg and say "just a little crazy day...glad it's winding down". She kind of gulps and continues to scan the groceries. I reached my hand into my pocket to get my club card and realized that I had grabbed my Costco card instead. So I just mutter under my breath "shit"...it was seriously almost inaudible, just a mumble to myself and she said "What?! What is it?! Is something wrong?! Is there something I can do?!"
At this point I'm wondering what the hell is wrong with this chick. I calmly say "Oh just one of those days. I forgot my member card and I don't know what phone number its under...but its alright I don't really care" and without even blinking she says "No no no...I'll give you the member discount. I believe you. We really value you here."

Bizarre. I can't figure out what's wrong with this chick. She kinda looks at me and says "Looks like you're about to make a really nice dinner"

"Yep...that's the plan".
"Is that all you plan on doing tonight?"

Now I'm thinking...ok...either she thinks I'm going to rob the store for some reason or she has a very odd way of hitting on guys.

"Um...I don't really know. I usually just take things one step at a time (awkward laugh)...First step is making dinner"

She starts to bag my stuff and then literally stops and goes "Oh my gosh I'm sorry...I totally forgot to ask...is plastic ok??"

"Yeah it doesn't matter".

She looks at me STRAIGHT in the eyes "It does to some people".

Ok...this is officially the WEIRDEST checkout process I've ever been through. So I grab my bags and say "thanks" and she says "We hope to see you back really really soon". I make a stupid joke "well...I go through yoplait yogurts pretty quickly so I'm sure I'll be back sooner rather than later..."

I really quickly get to my car to avoid any further awkward talk with her and as I put the bags in my car it finally hit me. Here I am, looking kinda stressed out and tired and I'm putting all these ingredients for what could be an epic dinner...and then a bottle of Drain-O and razor blades. She probably thought I was on my way home to put on a Nine Inch Nails CD and make myself my "last supper" to which afterward I'll drink the bottle of Drain-O while cutting myself. Poor gal. She's probably thinking "There's something more I could have done..." I'll have to go back tomorrow and just buy a pack of gum so she knows I'm alright. Then she'll probably take credit for it "He was in here last night...I saved his life with kindness."

- Billy