Awkwardness

I originally sent this as an email to the lovely Ms. Griffo (who I miss considerably), but it's just too weird to not share with the rest of the world. How do I always end up in these strange situations?


So I'm in the bathroom shaving (I like to try to be trendy and have a five oclock shadow at all times...it's actually very tough to pull off the "I'm not homeless but I don't care enough to shave" look) and I notice that the sink isn't really draining. "Damn" I think to myself, "I'm going to have to go get a bottle of Drain-O at the store". So as I'm heading to the grocery store I say aloud, "You know what, you've been working hard the last couple of days and I know you've been stressed out. Guess what...I'm making you your favorite dinner" (I am very kind to myself). So I start shopping and getting all the ingredients for a nice dinner and I go get the bottle of Drain-O and I decide that as long as I'm here, I might as well get some more razor blades since I'll never otherwise remember to get them. So I go to the express checkout lane (which is a joke, because that's the lane where the old people bring up ONE can of pork and beans and make a huge scene if the store won't accept a 3 cent off coupon which ends up taking an hour to resolve when I could have waited in the regular line and been done by that point) and I start to put my groceries on the little conveyor belt (which I also hate because then everybody is just looking at my life in terms of groceries as I put them on there and are basically judging me right there on the spot) and the checkout lady looks at me like I'm pointing a loaded gun at her. Her eyes are wide open and i can just see this look of fear, but for the life of me I have no idea why.

"Hello sir. How are you doing today?"

Pretty innocent question. I shurg and say "just a little crazy day...glad it's winding down". She kind of gulps and continues to scan the groceries. I reached my hand into my pocket to get my club card and realized that I had grabbed my Costco card instead. So I just mutter under my breath "shit"...it was seriously almost inaudible, just a mumble to myself and she said "What?! What is it?! Is something wrong?! Is there something I can do?!"
At this point I'm wondering what the hell is wrong with this chick. I calmly say "Oh just one of those days. I forgot my member card and I don't know what phone number its under...but its alright I don't really care" and without even blinking she says "No no no...I'll give you the member discount. I believe you. We really value you here."

Bizarre. I can't figure out what's wrong with this chick. She kinda looks at me and says "Looks like you're about to make a really nice dinner"

"Yep...that's the plan".
"Is that all you plan on doing tonight?"

Now I'm thinking...ok...either she thinks I'm going to rob the store for some reason or she has a very odd way of hitting on guys.

"Um...I don't really know. I usually just take things one step at a time (awkward laugh)...First step is making dinner"

She starts to bag my stuff and then literally stops and goes "Oh my gosh I'm sorry...I totally forgot to ask...is plastic ok??"

"Yeah it doesn't matter".

She looks at me STRAIGHT in the eyes "It does to some people".

Ok...this is officially the WEIRDEST checkout process I've ever been through. So I grab my bags and say "thanks" and she says "We hope to see you back really really soon". I make a stupid joke "well...I go through yoplait yogurts pretty quickly so I'm sure I'll be back sooner rather than later..."

I really quickly get to my car to avoid any further awkward talk with her and as I put the bags in my car it finally hit me. Here I am, looking kinda stressed out and tired and I'm putting all these ingredients for what could be an epic dinner...and then a bottle of Drain-O and razor blades. She probably thought I was on my way home to put on a Nine Inch Nails CD and make myself my "last supper" to which afterward I'll drink the bottle of Drain-O while cutting myself. Poor gal. She's probably thinking "There's something more I could have done..." I'll have to go back tomorrow and just buy a pack of gum so she knows I'm alright. Then she'll probably take credit for it "He was in here last night...I saved his life with kindness."

- Billy