Interview with a Vampire...um...penis.

*WARNING* - This is most likely NOT work appropriate. As always, at your own risk...

Thanks to Courtney for bringing this to my attention

Thanks to my post berating Twilight, True Blood, and all things vampire, my eyes have been opened by just how far this thing actually reaches. Some girls are obsessed with Robert Pattinson...ok...not my choice (obviously), but I get that they would be gaga over the actor who plays a vampire. Those aren't the ones I'm worried about. I'm worried about the girls that actually want to have sex with VAMPIRES. Now, unless I'm wrong, vampires aren't real, right? So that's why a product like this befuddles me:

THE VAMP (click it and go to the page...I promise it's not that bad/graphic)

That's right ladies...now you can have your very own VAMPIRE DILDO! Why fantasize about what it COULD be like when you can know RIGHT NOW?! This is absurd. How would anybody know how to accurately recreate a vampire penis? What if it's totally different? I surely can't draw you a magical elf vagina simply because it's impossible to know what it would look like...BECAUSE IT'S NOT REAL! Look at this description "with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the new moon's glow"...you don't need a vampire for that! Just get a computer nerd! That's essentialy what you would be buying. You would be buying a replica of a penis of a guy that hasn't been outside in a year. And how about that Emmy award winning video for it! The background music cracks me up. It sounds like music from the that hit musical "Rape in the Back of an Alley". But that's not even the worst part..."Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience". Since I've already beaten the "how would you know" argument to death, let's just look at logistics. Why would you want to pleasure yourself with a popsicle? How could that at all be comfortable? That's why Mr. Freeze never got any action...

Folks, far be it from me to be the one who knocks on hardcore fans. Anybody who knows me knows that I'm pretty into my Batman and KISS...but I think I'd be crossing a line if I bought a mold of Catwoman's breasts...come to think of it, I wonder if they make those...NO...no...stay on point Billy...damn, I lost my train of thought...well the point was, there is a time and a place for fan obsession, and I really don't want to meet the girl that thinks this is an awesome product. Well...maybe I'd meet her, but the girl who puts it in the freezer...we'd have to talk...

-Billy