Sitcom Paradoxes (PART THREE)

PART THREE

Oops. Sorry for the wait. By a "a few days" I ACTUALLY meant a month. Computer problems and blah blah blah. You're not here to read my excuses. You're here because you are driven. You're here because you want the best. You're here because of my incessant spamming on Facebook. Let's get to it shall we?


REMINDER: If under the OFFENDERS line you see that the show is highlighted green and you can click on it, that means that it is linked to a clip or more information about the episode in question


SCENARIO ELEVEN: THE FAKE MARRIAGE
Offenders: Saved by the Bell (The Mamas and the Papas), Family Matters (Urkel and Laura)

No Child Left Behind...falling standardized test scores...apparently not a concern for these schools. No no, it was much more important to teach the kids how to be married. Except they wouldn't be living together...or having sex together...or even really balancing a checkbook together. What was the point of this assignment? How do you pretend to be married in this context? Maxine gives her "husband" an F because he "cheated on her" by looking at another girl at the mall (which he was, for all intents and purposes, well within his rights to do). How as a teacher do you subjectively grade a student for being a husband or wife? I mean the only thing I can think of is domestic violence is an automatic F. In a bit of irony though, both Zack and Kelly and Laura and Steve did end up getting married in the end. Coincidence, or was it all thanks to knowing they could make it because of this assignment????

SCENARIO TWELVE: THE MANY FACES OF JASON MARSDEN
Offenders: Boy Meets World (as Eric's best friend Jason), Step by Step (as JT's best friend Rich), Full House (as wealthy socialite Nelson)

Lon Cheney was a great actor that was called "The Man of 1000 Faces". He's got nothin on Jason Marsden. You always knew that you knew that guy, but you could never put your finger on it. He fit into his new roles like a comfortable pair of slippers. He was always around, but never the center of attention. It's kind of strange that they couldn't find any other actors to be on these shows. It's not like it takes a plethora of talent to be on them. And yet, out of everyone on all of these shows, he's probably doing the best with a HUGE career in voice over work. Jason Marsden...jack of all trades, renaissance man...we salute you.

SCENARIO THIRTEEN: THE WEIRD VISITING FAMILY MEMBER
Offenders: Family Matters (Myrtle Urkel), Full House (Stavros), Step by Step (Cousin Cody, Carol's nephew Flash)

We all have family members that are a little odd...however, we don't bring them around when we're in a ratings slump. Step by Step was an interesting situation since Sasha Mitchell (Cody) was accused of spousal abuse (which turned out not to be the case) and fell in the public eye (aka the 4 people who still watched Step by Step). So we were introduced to the character of Flash, a guy who acted like he had just taken 7 doses of speed and talked like a gyrating crack addict. However, to me this was less annoying and obtrusive as Myrtle and Stavros. It's one thing to introduce an annoying character, but it's a whole other ballgame when you make a principle cast member pull double duty to play another annoying character. Urkel hysteria had reached an all time high, so what better way to kill it off faster than add a female Urkel, which actor Jaleel White looked WAY too into playing. And don't even get me started with John Stamos as the greasy pedophile looking Stavros. Everybody thinks Eddie Murphy was the first person to lose his mind playing multiple characters in movies. Once again, we can trace our history all the way back to TGIF shows...

SCENARIO FOURTEEN: THE MAGIC TRICK GONE WRONG
Offenders: Home Improvement (The Magician Babysitter), Full House (DJ and Stephanie handcuffed together), Family Matters (Murtaugh and Carl)

For some reason, sitcom writers think that inept magicians and magic tricks are hilarious. People getting handcuffed together is the comedy equivalent of a loud fart in the middle of a silent room. The real question is, in the case of Home Improvement, why the hell would you hire a 70 year old magician to watch your three young sons? There's about 5 pedophile/child molestation jokes there but I'll let you use your imagination and come up with your own, kind of like a choose your own adventure book...choose your own pedophile joke...hmmm, I may be on to something...


SCENARIO FIFTEEN: THE STEVE URKEL WORLD DOMINATION TOUR
Offenders: Step by Step (Steve is Mark's science buddy), Full House (Steve helps Stephanie with her new glasses), Boy Meets World (Steve sends a chain letter to Cory Matthews)

I wanted to end on this note because I feel like the 90's sitcom TGIF universe begins and ends with Steve Urkel. In fact, Steve Urkel himself IS the ultimate sitcom paradox, as his existence unravels the very fabric of the sitcom universe. Riding the Urkel craze in the early to mid 90's, ABC decided to give him a cameo on both Step by Step and Full House. While his Full House appearance was less than creative or memorable, his appearance on Step by Step however was very unique in that at the end of an episode of Family Matters he strapped on a rocket pack and flew out of the Winslow house. Seconds later, when the show was over and the new episode of Step by Step started Urkel crash landed in the Lambert house, thus effectively tying the two together and creating an interest in Step by Step for viewers who wouldn't normally watch. This was all dandy and acceptable until the Boy Meets World crossover...

Urkel decided to send a chain letter to his friend, Cory Matthews in Philadelphia. That's all well and fine except for one thing: Cory knows that Full House is a television show because he has made reference to the Olsen twins. But if Steve Urkel has appeared on Full House, that means a paradox has been created because he can't exist in both worlds. The fact that he knows Cory AND Michelle Tanner proves that he is both real and not real. And thus, the sitcom universe unravels at the hands of Steven Q Urkel.



Next time you're watching Nick at Nite or ABC Family and see one of your beloved 90's sitcoms, think about what we've learned here but also think about how much fun it used to be to watch TGIF or Saved by the Bell on Saturday mornings. They don't make 'em like they used to, but we'll always have our fond memories of "Doing the Urkel", "You got it Dude", and trips to the Max...

-Billy