* Special thanks to my sister, Sammy Nat Shin for the brainstorming sessions for this blog post*
PART TWO
So now that you've had some time to wrap your head around part one, let's dive straight into part two...with more head scratching enigmas, and of course, and assload more of Urkel.
REMINDER: If under the OFFENDERS line you see that the show is highlighted green and you can click on it, that means that it is linked to a clip or more information about the episode in question
SCENARIO SIX: ANGELS AND DEMONS
Offenders: Full House (Evil & Good Michelle), Family Matters (Evil & Good Carl Winslow), Full House again (After Jessie finds out he's having twins we get Good & Evil Joey and Danny/Manny!)
No, don't adjust your TV set...there really is multiple versions of Carl Winslow on your TV. Somewhere in a room in the late 80's/early 90's, a group of writers decided that whenever a character had a major moral dilemma to think about an angel and a demon should appear on each shoulder to make sure the audience knew that the character in question was struggling with said dilemma. Now in 2009, writers have finally realized that it was a lame gimmick and it really isn't seen much anymore. However, it did give birth to the greatest character in Full House history...MANNY TANNER!
SCENARIO SEVEN: THE CAR THROUGH THE HOUSE
Offenders: Full House (Stephanie drives the car through the kitchen), Family Matters (Eddie drives the car through the living room)
I think it's no surprise that these shows were usually shot on a shoe string budget, so the thought of these episodes where a MAJOR SET PIECE was destroyed is beyond mind blowing to me. Now Stephanie's scenario is different. I see her getting into the car and accidentally driving it through much more plausible than Eddie's accident (although, I don't know ANYONE who leaves the keys to their car just sitting in the ignition...so either Joey is more retarded than we thought or this was common practice in the early 90's). See, while Stephanie has the luxury of being 8 years old and not old enough to even really reach the gas peddle, Eddie has no excuse. How unbelievably down syndrome do you have to be to ram a car through the front door of your house, which series continuity has shown has a mini flight of stairs in front of it leading from the street! You can't accidentally drive through that...in fact, it would be tough to even plan that kind of destruction. And to think...they let Eddie become a cop...
SCENARIO EIGHT: FILM NOIR EPISODES
Offenders: Family Matters (Steve's short story), Boy Meets World (Eric as a detective in the later seasons), I'm pretty sure Step by Step did one too with Cody
I can tolerate an assload of grievances in my beloved 90's sitcoms...but the episodes I just flat out refuse to watch are the film noir episodes. You know, the ones where they're 1930's-1940's crime detectives. Such a horrible, horrible gimmick that always made me want to stab my eyes out. It was always the same...weird protagonist (Eric, Urkel) is the detective solving murder who ends up to be the "hot girl" (and in the case of Family Matters I use that term loosely) who was the surprise killer (Laura, Topanga). Family Matters did an assload of these stupid episodes, one where Steve was a pirate (I just remember you could get 3D glasses at like Pizza Hut or Target or somewhere and then when the episode aired you could watch it in craptastic 3D) and also the episode where Steve and Carl were in the old west. That's how you know your show is going down the toilet, when you have to go back into different time periods to try and inject new life in to your show.
SCENARIO NINE: CHARACTERS ON GAME/TALK SHOWS
Offenders: Boy Meets World (Eric on the MTV's Singled Out), Boy Meets World again (the Quiz Show) Full House (Joey is the host of some love connection game), Family Matters (Waldo, Steve, and Eddie on a love connection game called Dudes), Family Matters again (Steve and Carl on American Gladiators), Family Matters yet again (Steve and Carl on Citizen's Court), Fresh Prince of Bel Air (The Banks family on Oprah)
Much like the presidential election thing I talked about last time, this seems like it would be another chance for the characters to realize they are themselves TV characters. That's the danger about putting a TV character on TV (which Boy Meets World later acknowledged when Eric was given a part on a show that strangely mirrored Boy Meets World). The one thing I've noticed is, if you want to be on TV, get to know the Winslow family. Not only do they seem to breeze past the screening process, but they end up on just about any show they want. I didn't even include when Carl was cast in a movie, the family was affiliated with the Buddy Goodrich show, or when they made their first prize music video. Amazing.
SCENARIO TEN: THE EPIC TRIP TO DISNEYWORLD
Offenders: Family Matters (Stefan proposes), Full House (Princess Michelle), Step by Step (J.T. Disney/Flash breaks the ride record), Boy Meets World (Cory sneaks away to join Topanga at Disneyworld)
Back when Disney bought ABC, all of the families of the TGIF universe strangely decided to visit Disneyworld all at about the same time. Now that's not the crazy part...the crazy part is that they couldn't just have normal vacations. They all had to have EPIC Disney experiences. First of all, I've been an avid Disneyland fan for years, and a secret (well I guess not anymore) ambition of mine has always been to be in the parade...but you have to be someone pretty damn special to even be considered...and yet, the Tanner family? Come on up! Winslow clan? Why the hell not?! Lamberts? Get your ass on up here! How the hell are they getting in these parades?! Not only that, Stefan proposes to Laura, and if I'm not mistaken, aren't they about 15 YEARS OLD?! Stefon's voice hasn't even fully changed yet! Is Disney promoting sexual conduct between clearly two minors?! Speaking of which, Cory and Shawn sleep overnight at Splash Mountain. Besides the homoerotic undertones, does the staff not check the ride at night? Is Disney just promoting incompetence? And Flash trying to break the world record for doing rides at Disneyworld, how the hell did management even get wind of that to give Mark a little command center? And what kind of record are you really breaking if they're letting you up to the front of the line? And for the love of God, the Indiana Jones stunt show shtick was ridiculous. We know...the boulder rolls down, he ducks under it, and stands up at the end unscathed...you don't have to do it for every show...and yes, we know...it's not Steve...so sit down and shut the hell up DJ.
That does it for Part II. Be sure to check back in a few days for Part III that includes even more 90's sitcom paradoxes!!!
- Billy
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Sitcom Paradoxes (PART ONE)
* Special thanks to my sister, Sammy Nat Shin for the brainstorming sessions for this blog post*
PART ONE
When I was a kid, I didn't worry about growing up, because I had the world all figured out. It seemed pretty simple to me because I had done the research. I knew what high school was going to be like thanks to Zack Morris and DJ Tanner. I knew what the working world would be like from Carl Winslow and Tim "The Toolman Taylor". And I figured I'd have the same teacher teach me all throughout my educational career such as Mr. Feeny did to the entire Boy Meets World posse. I learned from their trials and tribulations, their loves and their losses, and I felt I was ready for the world.
Then life bitchslaps you with the truth.
Sure it doesn't take long to realize that Joey, having no relation to the Tanner family at all, is really just a kind of creepy pedophile that freeloads in the Tanner living room (wtf is an alcove?!) and subsequently the garage. And with the sheer amount of donuts consumed by Carl Winslow, the mere fact he didn't die of type II diabetes or AT LEAST lose an appendage to the epidemic by the third season is nothing short of miraculous. These are the truths that we uncover as we compare our life experiences with that of our television sitcom counterparts. The strange thing is, most of these 90's sitcoms recycled plots from one series to another, however there are some story lines that popped up in many incarnations that have bamboozled me for the last few years.
REMINDER: If under the OFFENDERS line you see that the show is highlighted green and you can click on it, that means that it is linked to a clip or more information about the episode in question
SCENARIO ONE: THE MASS PRODUCTION OF A FOOD ITEM
Offenders: Family Matters (Carl's Tarts), Saved by the Bell (Screech's Secret Sauce)
This was a weird little plot that floated around a bit in 90's sitcom lore. In Family Matters, Carl bakes a tart and the family loves it, but then Aunt Rachel (who just abandoned her son Richie at the Winslow house like halfway through the show by the way) promises a bakery they will make 12,000 tarts over the weekend. Hilarity ensues. Similarly, Screech becomes a popular kid at school because of his super delicious secret spaghetti sauce (it really didn't take much back then did it?). Growing up I never had an experience where my friends and/or family had to pull together to accomplish a feat with baked goods or any sort of culinary theme. However there was that one time my mom worked the school carnival and accidentally baked a huge piece of plastic into the popcorn...that counts right?
SCENARIO TWO: THE TEEN RADIO STATION
Offenders: Boy Meets World (Cory and Sean's teen talk show), Saved by the Bell (Tiger Radio), Full House (Teen Talk/Yakking with Youth)
After Cory and Shawn's lunch time love show and Slater making a powerful Martin Luther King style speech over Tiger Radio airwaves to save the Max, I was totally sold on the concept of being a high school radio personality. Then reality crept in. I don't know where you grew up, but our high school DID NOT have a radio station. I guess our budget crisis was more severe than most, but I sincerely grew up thinking someday I'd be the next Casey Casem on the Clovis West High School radio station...but alas, it was not to be. Now I realize that in the case of Full House, the Rush Hour Renegades (one of Jessie and Joey's many attempts to brokeback outside of the Tanner household) was not a high school station, but the episode in question is where DJ, Kimmy, and Steve offer up teen advice on the radio. Speaking of teen advice, didn't Saved by the Bell do a teen hotline twice? The first time Zack purposefully made people feel bad to get more customers and Belding shut it down. Then like two seasons later they had a "brilliant new idea" to start a...gasp...teen line! Zack broke the rules and started dating the wheelchair girl who's instant disposal in the next episode is another slap in the face to the crippled. But still...why two teen line episodes? Was the well really that dry for new stories or was Mr. Belding just so inept he couldn't even remember he put the kibosh on it before?
SCENARIO THREE: THE BEACH BOYS
Offenders: Full House (more than one occasion), Home Improvement (The Beach Boys being Wilson's cousin)
There seemed to be some odd paradoxical phenomenon that made The Beach Boys a "must have" for 90's sitcoms. Don't get me wrong, they're a great little staple in pop culture history, but the way they were injected into these shows was just beyond random. Did they have some sort of agreement with ABC? I'm not complaining so much as I'm just absolutely perplexed. Once on Full House would make sense, but again on Home Improvement? I guess lightning does strike twice...oh speaking of weird celebrity hang ups, does anybody remember there was an unusually large amount of Connie Chung jokes in the first few seasons of Full House? i could never figure that one out.
SCENARIO FOUR: THE CLASS PRESIDENT ELECTION/RESIGNATION
Offenders: Saved by the Bell (Jessie vs Zack), Boy Meets World (Cory vs Shawn)
In elementary school, running for class officer was no big deal, but jr. high and high school it's the real thing. However, I'm always flabbergasted when I watch these episodes and hear the ridiculous promises the candidates make. No homework...3 day school weeks...but that's not the surprising part. The part that always gets me is that the administrators always just stand back and nod their heads as if nothing is going on. When we went to school, our speeches were censored and regulated. There's no way the administration would sit back and let these ridiculous claims fly. Even more appalling is the moral decision to resign at the end of campaign speeches, thus "ironically" getting them the sympathy vote. This aspect of the story isn't new, actually dating all the way back to Marcia vs Greg in a season one episode of The Brady Bunch. Since both Zack and Cory both reference The Brady Bunch at some point in their shows, that means that they have most likely seen the Marcia/Greg episode. Didn't they realize their lives were straight on character archetypes at that point? Wouldn't that trigger some sort of self realization and actualization? It actually turns into a really philosophical dilemma when you think about it that might unravel the very fabric of the space/time continuum.
SCENARIO FIVE: FLYING SMALL COMMERCIAL AIRPLANES
Offenders: Full House (Jessie and Becky's Wedding episode where Joey takes Jessie sky diving), Family Matters (Carl and Steve in a plane that Carl has to land), Home Improvement (Mark taking flying lessons from Wilson), Step by Step (I can't remember the exact thing, but I remember Frank and Carol being in the plane)
*EDIT: My Buddy Jeff Moretti sent me the following:
"You are correct in that Frank had to fly a small plane. His flight instructor turns out to be crazy and carol knocks him out. With the help of air traffic control Frank lands the plane. Don't ask me how I remember that, but I do"
Apparently, flying a small plane is as easy as riding a bike. Heck, who would have thought that Joey was a completely licensed pilot when he took Jessie up to sky dive...why the hell is he telling jokes for a living? Pilots make good money! They always used the same little plane with a fog machine to simulate clouds, and yet the background always remained bright blue...where the hell did the clouds go/come from? But that's neither here nor there, the fact is, if we are take 90's sitcoms at face value, then that means most people know how to fly a small plane. I have since come to find that...no...most people do not. Lies.
Check back later in the week for Part II...that's right...there are even more...
- Billy
PART ONE
When I was a kid, I didn't worry about growing up, because I had the world all figured out. It seemed pretty simple to me because I had done the research. I knew what high school was going to be like thanks to Zack Morris and DJ Tanner. I knew what the working world would be like from Carl Winslow and Tim "The Toolman Taylor". And I figured I'd have the same teacher teach me all throughout my educational career such as Mr. Feeny did to the entire Boy Meets World posse. I learned from their trials and tribulations, their loves and their losses, and I felt I was ready for the world.
Then life bitchslaps you with the truth.
Sure it doesn't take long to realize that Joey, having no relation to the Tanner family at all, is really just a kind of creepy pedophile that freeloads in the Tanner living room (wtf is an alcove?!) and subsequently the garage. And with the sheer amount of donuts consumed by Carl Winslow, the mere fact he didn't die of type II diabetes or AT LEAST lose an appendage to the epidemic by the third season is nothing short of miraculous. These are the truths that we uncover as we compare our life experiences with that of our television sitcom counterparts. The strange thing is, most of these 90's sitcoms recycled plots from one series to another, however there are some story lines that popped up in many incarnations that have bamboozled me for the last few years.
REMINDER: If under the OFFENDERS line you see that the show is highlighted green and you can click on it, that means that it is linked to a clip or more information about the episode in question
SCENARIO ONE: THE MASS PRODUCTION OF A FOOD ITEM
Offenders: Family Matters (Carl's Tarts), Saved by the Bell (Screech's Secret Sauce)
This was a weird little plot that floated around a bit in 90's sitcom lore. In Family Matters, Carl bakes a tart and the family loves it, but then Aunt Rachel (who just abandoned her son Richie at the Winslow house like halfway through the show by the way) promises a bakery they will make 12,000 tarts over the weekend. Hilarity ensues. Similarly, Screech becomes a popular kid at school because of his super delicious secret spaghetti sauce (it really didn't take much back then did it?). Growing up I never had an experience where my friends and/or family had to pull together to accomplish a feat with baked goods or any sort of culinary theme. However there was that one time my mom worked the school carnival and accidentally baked a huge piece of plastic into the popcorn...that counts right?
SCENARIO TWO: THE TEEN RADIO STATION
Offenders: Boy Meets World (Cory and Sean's teen talk show), Saved by the Bell (Tiger Radio), Full House (Teen Talk/Yakking with Youth)
After Cory and Shawn's lunch time love show and Slater making a powerful Martin Luther King style speech over Tiger Radio airwaves to save the Max, I was totally sold on the concept of being a high school radio personality. Then reality crept in. I don't know where you grew up, but our high school DID NOT have a radio station. I guess our budget crisis was more severe than most, but I sincerely grew up thinking someday I'd be the next Casey Casem on the Clovis West High School radio station...but alas, it was not to be. Now I realize that in the case of Full House, the Rush Hour Renegades (one of Jessie and Joey's many attempts to brokeback outside of the Tanner household) was not a high school station, but the episode in question is where DJ, Kimmy, and Steve offer up teen advice on the radio. Speaking of teen advice, didn't Saved by the Bell do a teen hotline twice? The first time Zack purposefully made people feel bad to get more customers and Belding shut it down. Then like two seasons later they had a "brilliant new idea" to start a...gasp...teen line! Zack broke the rules and started dating the wheelchair girl who's instant disposal in the next episode is another slap in the face to the crippled. But still...why two teen line episodes? Was the well really that dry for new stories or was Mr. Belding just so inept he couldn't even remember he put the kibosh on it before?
SCENARIO THREE: THE BEACH BOYS
Offenders: Full House (more than one occasion), Home Improvement (The Beach Boys being Wilson's cousin)
There seemed to be some odd paradoxical phenomenon that made The Beach Boys a "must have" for 90's sitcoms. Don't get me wrong, they're a great little staple in pop culture history, but the way they were injected into these shows was just beyond random. Did they have some sort of agreement with ABC? I'm not complaining so much as I'm just absolutely perplexed. Once on Full House would make sense, but again on Home Improvement? I guess lightning does strike twice...oh speaking of weird celebrity hang ups, does anybody remember there was an unusually large amount of Connie Chung jokes in the first few seasons of Full House? i could never figure that one out.
SCENARIO FOUR: THE CLASS PRESIDENT ELECTION/RESIGNATION
Offenders: Saved by the Bell (Jessie vs Zack), Boy Meets World (Cory vs Shawn)
In elementary school, running for class officer was no big deal, but jr. high and high school it's the real thing. However, I'm always flabbergasted when I watch these episodes and hear the ridiculous promises the candidates make. No homework...3 day school weeks...but that's not the surprising part. The part that always gets me is that the administrators always just stand back and nod their heads as if nothing is going on. When we went to school, our speeches were censored and regulated. There's no way the administration would sit back and let these ridiculous claims fly. Even more appalling is the moral decision to resign at the end of campaign speeches, thus "ironically" getting them the sympathy vote. This aspect of the story isn't new, actually dating all the way back to Marcia vs Greg in a season one episode of The Brady Bunch. Since both Zack and Cory both reference The Brady Bunch at some point in their shows, that means that they have most likely seen the Marcia/Greg episode. Didn't they realize their lives were straight on character archetypes at that point? Wouldn't that trigger some sort of self realization and actualization? It actually turns into a really philosophical dilemma when you think about it that might unravel the very fabric of the space/time continuum.
SCENARIO FIVE: FLYING SMALL COMMERCIAL AIRPLANES
Offenders: Full House (Jessie and Becky's Wedding episode where Joey takes Jessie sky diving), Family Matters (Carl and Steve in a plane that Carl has to land), Home Improvement (Mark taking flying lessons from Wilson), Step by Step (I can't remember the exact thing, but I remember Frank and Carol being in the plane)
*EDIT: My Buddy Jeff Moretti sent me the following:
"You are correct in that Frank had to fly a small plane. His flight instructor turns out to be crazy and carol knocks him out. With the help of air traffic control Frank lands the plane. Don't ask me how I remember that, but I do"
Apparently, flying a small plane is as easy as riding a bike. Heck, who would have thought that Joey was a completely licensed pilot when he took Jessie up to sky dive...why the hell is he telling jokes for a living? Pilots make good money! They always used the same little plane with a fog machine to simulate clouds, and yet the background always remained bright blue...where the hell did the clouds go/come from? But that's neither here nor there, the fact is, if we are take 90's sitcoms at face value, then that means most people know how to fly a small plane. I have since come to find that...no...most people do not. Lies.
Check back later in the week for Part II...that's right...there are even more...
- Billy
Friday, July 3, 2009
I call dibs on Kelly Clarkson
Find me a male in America who doesn't have a Kelly Clarkson song on their iPod...it won't happen. Whether or not you will get them to admit it is one thing, but deep down we as a species are genetically wired to like "Walk Away". When Kelly burst out on the scene she was adorable...now she's bursting out of the seams...of her pants...that was supposed to be a lead in like you'd hear on EXTRA or Entertainment Tonight...you know, I just read that out loud and it doesn't really work on paper or in person, but the point I'm trying to make is, Kelly is a bit...larger now. In fact, it's become such a problem that when you google image search her name in the search suggestions it auto corrects to "kelly clarkson fat". Brutal.
Ok, Kelly Clarkson was chubby then skinny then chubby and now she's fat. If the real world was like the Disney movie the Lion King we would call this the Kelly Clarkson Circle of Life. For the record, I like slightly chubby Kelly Clarkson. Why? Because she seems obtainable. I never understood guys who had posters of women in their room of girls that were completely out of their league. Why would you want to wake up and look at a picture of a semi-nude gorgeous woman that even in your wildest dreams you wouldn't have a shot at? No no, I want to keep it simple, and that's why I love Kelly. She's adorable, but not so hot that she's a pipe dream. That's why I am about to make a bold statement:
Somebody needs to start dating Kelly Clarkson now before she gets out of her fat phase.
Shocking right? Think about it. Right now, even the chub chasers are a little grossed out by her sudden Jabba the Hutt look-a-like-ness, but in reality Kelly's weight gain is perfectly analogous to the current economic situation. Kelly's value is way way down, and although it seems that she doesn't care about her appearance, eventually her label and or/her doctors will and force her to lose the weight, going back to skinny gorgeous Kelly Clarkson (cue the Elton John Circle of Life song). So if you ever want a shot at Kelly, you have to strike now when she's morbidly obese. We call this a "fixer upper". Make her fall in love with you now while she's still eating a whole family size roll of Pillsbury cookie dough for breakfast and indulge her fast food cravings. Then when the Kelly Clarkson Circle of Life comes back to being a gorgeous pop star, you were the caring, unselfish boyfriend who stuck by her through the hard times. It's a win-win really.
Whatever happened to Miss Independent? Kelly Clarkson ate her...but you know what...I'd still hit it...because my life would suck without her (I figured I'd try to end it with a bad pun like EXTRA or Entertainment Tonight...I know, still not funny).
- Billy
Ok, Kelly Clarkson was chubby then skinny then chubby and now she's fat. If the real world was like the Disney movie the Lion King we would call this the Kelly Clarkson Circle of Life. For the record, I like slightly chubby Kelly Clarkson. Why? Because she seems obtainable. I never understood guys who had posters of women in their room of girls that were completely out of their league. Why would you want to wake up and look at a picture of a semi-nude gorgeous woman that even in your wildest dreams you wouldn't have a shot at? No no, I want to keep it simple, and that's why I love Kelly. She's adorable, but not so hot that she's a pipe dream. That's why I am about to make a bold statement:
Somebody needs to start dating Kelly Clarkson now before she gets out of her fat phase.
Shocking right? Think about it. Right now, even the chub chasers are a little grossed out by her sudden Jabba the Hutt look-a-like-ness, but in reality Kelly's weight gain is perfectly analogous to the current economic situation. Kelly's value is way way down, and although it seems that she doesn't care about her appearance, eventually her label and or/her doctors will and force her to lose the weight, going back to skinny gorgeous Kelly Clarkson (cue the Elton John Circle of Life song). So if you ever want a shot at Kelly, you have to strike now when she's morbidly obese. We call this a "fixer upper". Make her fall in love with you now while she's still eating a whole family size roll of Pillsbury cookie dough for breakfast and indulge her fast food cravings. Then when the Kelly Clarkson Circle of Life comes back to being a gorgeous pop star, you were the caring, unselfish boyfriend who stuck by her through the hard times. It's a win-win really.
Whatever happened to Miss Independent? Kelly Clarkson ate her...but you know what...I'd still hit it...because my life would suck without her (I figured I'd try to end it with a bad pun like EXTRA or Entertainment Tonight...I know, still not funny).
- Billy
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