I call dibs on Kelly Clarkson

Find me a male in America who doesn't have a Kelly Clarkson song on their iPod...it won't happen. Whether or not you will get them to admit it is one thing, but deep down we as a species are genetically wired to like "Walk Away". When Kelly burst out on the scene she was adorable...now she's bursting out of the seams...of her pants...that was supposed to be a lead in like you'd hear on EXTRA or Entertainment Tonight...you know, I just read that out loud and it doesn't really work on paper or in person, but the point I'm trying to make is, Kelly is a bit...larger now. In fact, it's become such a problem that when you google image search her name in the search suggestions it auto corrects to "kelly clarkson fat". Brutal.

Ok, Kelly Clarkson was chubby then skinny then chubby and now she's fat. If the real world was like the Disney movie the Lion King we would call this the Kelly Clarkson Circle of Life. For the record, I like slightly chubby Kelly Clarkson. Why? Because she seems obtainable. I never understood guys who had posters of women in their room of girls that were completely out of their league. Why would you want to wake up and look at a picture of a semi-nude gorgeous woman that even in your wildest dreams you wouldn't have a shot at? No no, I want to keep it simple, and that's why I love Kelly. She's adorable, but not so hot that she's a pipe dream. That's why I am about to make a bold statement:

Somebody needs to start dating Kelly Clarkson now before she gets out of her fat phase.

Shocking right? Think about it. Right now, even the chub chasers are a little grossed out by her sudden Jabba the Hutt look-a-like-ness, but in reality Kelly's weight gain is perfectly analogous to the current economic situation. Kelly's value is way way down, and although it seems that she doesn't care about her appearance, eventually her label and or/her doctors will and force her to lose the weight, going back to skinny gorgeous Kelly Clarkson (cue the Elton John Circle of Life song). So if you ever want a shot at Kelly, you have to strike now when she's morbidly obese. We call this a "fixer upper". Make her fall in love with you now while she's still eating a whole family size roll of Pillsbury cookie dough for breakfast and indulge her fast food cravings. Then when the Kelly Clarkson Circle of Life comes back to being a gorgeous pop star, you were the caring, unselfish boyfriend who stuck by her through the hard times. It's a win-win really.

Whatever happened to Miss Independent? Kelly Clarkson ate her...but you know what...I'd still hit it...because my life would suck without her (I figured I'd try to end it with a bad pun like EXTRA or Entertainment Tonight...I know, still not funny).

- Billy