How to be a Player God's Way

(Sigh)...here we go again...

I recently stumbled upon this video called "HOW TO BE A PLAYER GOD'S WAY" (it's linked for your viewing pleasure) and I was floored. Apparently someone found and uploaded this old promotional video for a camp where the concept is for Christian women to go to a retreat to learn how to convert men they date to Christianity. My jaw hit the floor. People can't REALLY be that stupid...right? I did a little more digging and found out that the concept is very, very real. Apparently it's based on a program called "Date to Save" and thousands of Christian women are employing these techniques to "ensnare" men to Jesus...because clearly, that's how he would want you to do it.

You know why a lot of people are sour on Christianity and Christians in particular? Because a lot of them are just ass backwards stupid. Christianity is about love, acceptance, serving the Lord by being an example. But you can't convert someone through good deeds! Oh no! That's not a good sales pitch! You have to use fear! "Join my religion or burn in the bottomless pits of hell!" You have to use manipulation! "Have problems in your life? Jesus will solve each and every one of them just by accepting him...you will never have another problem again!" You have to use...sex! "Wanna get in these pants? What faith is your penis?" Christianity unfortunately has become a product to be sold, and sadly, the whole point of it has become somewhat lost. A lot of people who claim to be spiritual warriors are the first to discriminate and condemn homosexuals and really anyone who doesn't believe what they do...when I'm pretty sure the man who's teachings we follow LOVES and ACCEPTS EVERYBODY...WE ARE ALL GOD'S CHILDREN! But unfortunately, people like these faith flirter girls just don't get it, and they give all of us who love the Lord a bad name. And let's just stop and think for a minute. Ok, let's assume that homosexuality IS a sin...aren't we all sinners? How is that being a sin any different than me telling a lie or breaking any other commandment? We're all sinners? What makes one sin worse than the rest? They're all sins in God's eyes and that's the whole point of Christianity...that Jesus redeemed us for those sins and we are FORGIVEN. What would people think if they knew I was a Jesus freak? Thanks to a lot of idiots, they'd probably already have the wrong idea...

And along comes this video...it's so ridiculous it's hilarious. I keep watching it on repeat because it's so mind numbingly shocking that I can't help but laugh. I wouldn't touch a faith flirter with a ten foot pole. "Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought how can I use this to serve the Lord?"...wow...have YOU ever looked in the mirror? I love the attempts at making Christianity a "hip" new venture. Low carb communion? Check. Makeovers? Check. Sigh...sex sells. Who would really buy this?

How to be a Player God's Way - watch more funny videos

- Billy

Awkwardness

I originally sent this as an email to the lovely Ms. Griffo (who I miss considerably), but it's just too weird to not share with the rest of the world. How do I always end up in these strange situations?


So I'm in the bathroom shaving (I like to try to be trendy and have a five oclock shadow at all times...it's actually very tough to pull off the "I'm not homeless but I don't care enough to shave" look) and I notice that the sink isn't really draining. "Damn" I think to myself, "I'm going to have to go get a bottle of Drain-O at the store". So as I'm heading to the grocery store I say aloud, "You know what, you've been working hard the last couple of days and I know you've been stressed out. Guess what...I'm making you your favorite dinner" (I am very kind to myself). So I start shopping and getting all the ingredients for a nice dinner and I go get the bottle of Drain-O and I decide that as long as I'm here, I might as well get some more razor blades since I'll never otherwise remember to get them. So I go to the express checkout lane (which is a joke, because that's the lane where the old people bring up ONE can of pork and beans and make a huge scene if the store won't accept a 3 cent off coupon which ends up taking an hour to resolve when I could have waited in the regular line and been done by that point) and I start to put my groceries on the little conveyor belt (which I also hate because then everybody is just looking at my life in terms of groceries as I put them on there and are basically judging me right there on the spot) and the checkout lady looks at me like I'm pointing a loaded gun at her. Her eyes are wide open and i can just see this look of fear, but for the life of me I have no idea why.

"Hello sir. How are you doing today?"

Pretty innocent question. I shurg and say "just a little crazy day...glad it's winding down". She kind of gulps and continues to scan the groceries. I reached my hand into my pocket to get my club card and realized that I had grabbed my Costco card instead. So I just mutter under my breath "shit"...it was seriously almost inaudible, just a mumble to myself and she said "What?! What is it?! Is something wrong?! Is there something I can do?!"
At this point I'm wondering what the hell is wrong with this chick. I calmly say "Oh just one of those days. I forgot my member card and I don't know what phone number its under...but its alright I don't really care" and without even blinking she says "No no no...I'll give you the member discount. I believe you. We really value you here."

Bizarre. I can't figure out what's wrong with this chick. She kinda looks at me and says "Looks like you're about to make a really nice dinner"

"Yep...that's the plan".
"Is that all you plan on doing tonight?"

Now I'm thinking...ok...either she thinks I'm going to rob the store for some reason or she has a very odd way of hitting on guys.

"Um...I don't really know. I usually just take things one step at a time (awkward laugh)...First step is making dinner"

She starts to bag my stuff and then literally stops and goes "Oh my gosh I'm sorry...I totally forgot to ask...is plastic ok??"

"Yeah it doesn't matter".

She looks at me STRAIGHT in the eyes "It does to some people".

Ok...this is officially the WEIRDEST checkout process I've ever been through. So I grab my bags and say "thanks" and she says "We hope to see you back really really soon". I make a stupid joke "well...I go through yoplait yogurts pretty quickly so I'm sure I'll be back sooner rather than later..."

I really quickly get to my car to avoid any further awkward talk with her and as I put the bags in my car it finally hit me. Here I am, looking kinda stressed out and tired and I'm putting all these ingredients for what could be an epic dinner...and then a bottle of Drain-O and razor blades. She probably thought I was on my way home to put on a Nine Inch Nails CD and make myself my "last supper" to which afterward I'll drink the bottle of Drain-O while cutting myself. Poor gal. She's probably thinking "There's something more I could have done..." I'll have to go back tomorrow and just buy a pack of gum so she knows I'm alright. Then she'll probably take credit for it "He was in here last night...I saved his life with kindness."

- Billy

Interview with a Vampire...um...penis.

*WARNING* - This is most likely NOT work appropriate. As always, at your own risk...

Thanks to Courtney for bringing this to my attention

Thanks to my post berating Twilight, True Blood, and all things vampire, my eyes have been opened by just how far this thing actually reaches. Some girls are obsessed with Robert Pattinson...ok...not my choice (obviously), but I get that they would be gaga over the actor who plays a vampire. Those aren't the ones I'm worried about. I'm worried about the girls that actually want to have sex with VAMPIRES. Now, unless I'm wrong, vampires aren't real, right? So that's why a product like this befuddles me:

THE VAMP (click it and go to the page...I promise it's not that bad/graphic)

That's right ladies...now you can have your very own VAMPIRE DILDO! Why fantasize about what it COULD be like when you can know RIGHT NOW?! This is absurd. How would anybody know how to accurately recreate a vampire penis? What if it's totally different? I surely can't draw you a magical elf vagina simply because it's impossible to know what it would look like...BECAUSE IT'S NOT REAL! Look at this description "with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the new moon's glow"...you don't need a vampire for that! Just get a computer nerd! That's essentialy what you would be buying. You would be buying a replica of a penis of a guy that hasn't been outside in a year. And how about that Emmy award winning video for it! The background music cracks me up. It sounds like music from the that hit musical "Rape in the Back of an Alley". But that's not even the worst part..."Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience". Since I've already beaten the "how would you know" argument to death, let's just look at logistics. Why would you want to pleasure yourself with a popsicle? How could that at all be comfortable? That's why Mr. Freeze never got any action...

Folks, far be it from me to be the one who knocks on hardcore fans. Anybody who knows me knows that I'm pretty into my Batman and KISS...but I think I'd be crossing a line if I bought a mold of Catwoman's breasts...come to think of it, I wonder if they make those...NO...no...stay on point Billy...damn, I lost my train of thought...well the point was, there is a time and a place for fan obsession, and I really don't want to meet the girl that thinks this is an awesome product. Well...maybe I'd meet her, but the girl who puts it in the freezer...we'd have to talk...

-Billy

10 things I need to set the record straight about

Public opinion can make or break you. There has to be truth to that sentence. The Black Eyed Peas song "Boom Boom Pow" is in my opinion the worst piece of "music" that has ever been written and/or recorded, however, public opinion has been gracious to it and made it a hit. More often than not, if a big enough group of people like or dislike something they can influence how other people feel or think. Everybody has that one friend who can be swayed any way the wind blows. I won't lie to you friends, I have been a party to this crime many times as well. Maybe I've said I hated something that deep down I loved but wanted to fit in, or maybe gushed about something that I really thought was overrated. Well dear readers, I am here to make amends for my ball-less display of following the social trends. You may applaud me, you may think I'm an idiot or take issue with my stances...but come what may, here are 10 things that everybody loves or hates that I don't agree with:

10. Grand Theft Auto - Everybody and their mother seems to love GTA, but I'll admit...I don't get it...at all. I just don't get the point of it. Most people play video games to escape from reality and become a sports star or an alien gun wielding bad ass...so why on earth would you want to play a game that's pretty much all about life in south central Los Angeles? I mean, I love beating up hookers as much as the next guy don't get me wrong, but if you're really that deprave, why not just go do it in person? It's like kids who get really good at guitar hero and can do it with their eyes closed...why not just pick up a real guitar if you're that good? Why not go steal a real car? Kids these days...no ambition.

9. Bob Dylan - I understand and respect the fact that when it comes to the free wheelin' Bob Dylan he's a legend...but why?! Sometimes I catch myself mumbling and rambling and I think if I could just put it to music maybe I could be as famous as Bob Dylan. The thing about his songs are, they don't offer you anything you don't already know, but people claim it's like life changing poetry. The times they are a changing? Thanks Bob, I was unaware. Everybody needs to get stoned? Really? Alright...

8. Entourage - I've seen about 4 episodes of this show and I absolutely hate it. Everybody on this show is a jerk. Apparently if you're a "real guy's guy" you want to be a part of their entourage and hang out with them. I would stab myself in the face with a fork if I had to spend more than 5 minutes with any of those guys. And while I do find Jeremy Piven amusing, his newest movie The Goods was one of the most excruciatingly painful things I've ever subjected myself to. This is coming from the guy who sliced his Achilles tendon in half...

7. Taylor Hicks - I still remember it like it was yesterday...May of 2006. Katharine McPhee vs Taylor Hicks for the crown of American Idol. Sure Katharine McPhee is hot, but she's a dime a dozen singer. Taylor was something new...something fresh. Of course he won and has become, along with Ruben, one of the least successful Idols of all time. I was one of the 5 people that bought his debut album and I have to say, I love it. I think American Idol was the wrong vehicle from him since it wasn't really his demographic, but exposure is exposure. I suppose you take what you can get. I hear he's doing really well on Broadway in Grease. You go Taylor! Soul Patrol!

6. Grape Jolly Ranchers - For the longest time I was under the impression that everybody loved grape Jolly Ranchers and that they were the hot ticket item. About 5 months ago I brought up this fact and was told that it was in fact the opposite: most people hate grape flavored JRs. So while I was at the mall food court (where any great scientific research is conducted) I did a little survey and asked people their least favorite flavor of JR. Of the 20 some odd people that I asked, it was unanimously grape. Not one single person offered up any other flavor. I don't get the hate. I was under the impression that everyone was in agreement that Yellow was hands down the gnarliest flavor offender of the bunch. Granted, Jolly Ranchers aren't my candy of choice by any stretch of the imagination, but I surely wouldn't refuse a grape one. Oh well...more for me I guess...

5. The Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions - Almost everybody has the same thing to say where it concerns the Matrix trilogy: "The first one was bad ass...the second one was weird, and I hated the third one". Sigh. I feel like this is another case of having great expectations that were impossible to live up to instead of letting the story organically unfold. The mythology behind the Matrix universe is so rich with philosophy and history that every time I watch them again it's like discovering a whole new movie. In fact, the first Matrix movie has become my least favorite of the three simply because it paints a very simplistic, broad image of what the Matrix actually is. Tell you what, come over and watch the trilogy with me and I bet you $ that I can change your mind...

4. Monster Energy Drinks - My friend Erick has about 5 Monster drinks a day. He has them as breakfast most days. I always tell him his sperm is going to end up producing some webbed footed children, but alas...he lives off the stuff. A lot of people do. I don't get energy drinks. They taste like unwiped ass and give me a jolt of energy for about 45 minutes before I'm worse off than I was before. It's really no different than crack. You're happy as a clam for a bit, but then you need to keep having more and more to get the feeling. How is this any different? Either this should be illegal or crack should be legal. Take your pick.

3. Wild Wild West - I know, I know. Maybe you could have bought everything I said up until this point. How could I possibly defend Will Smith and Kevin Kline in Wild Wild West. First of all, let me just state for the record that I'm well aware it's not a great movie. However, claims that it's one of the worst movies of all time is just absurd. Are you telling me this is worse than the remake of Rollerball or worse than Strange Wilderness? I didn't think so. I don't get why it's THAT hated...it has Will Smith (who doesn't love Will Smith) and full backal nudity from Salma Hayek...how could it possibly be that bad? It's not. Not by a long shot.

2. Bacon - There are certain things you have to love to be a true man, and bacon is one of them. I just can't hang with it. I hate the smell of it, I hate the taste of it...I even hate the sound of it sizzling. Add to the fact that I couldn't even point out on a graph what part of the anatomy of a pig bacon comes from and it all adds up to me being completely disgusted by just the mere concept. Hash browns are pretty bomb though. I think hash browns should eclipse bacon on the breakfast importance hierarchy.

1. Twilight/True Blood/Anything Vampire Related - When did everybody suddenly get obsessed with Vampires? It's like the nation turned emo all at once. Let's start with Twilight because it's far and away the crappiest of the bunch. I saw Twilight with zero expectations...didn't read the book...hell I didn't even see the trailer. To this day I am still befuddled over what the big deal is. Technically speaking it's a horrible film. It's dark and muddy and the acting/writing is atrocious. The special effects looked like those old PBS Chronicles of Narnia BBC movies they used to have where half of the Narnia creatures were hand drawn. True Blood is the HBO vampire show that I THOUGHT only chicks were into, but apparently it has both genders sucked in (come on...everybody loves puns). The plot lines are so ridiculous that after a couple of episodes I was tempted to throw in Twilight just to ease my suffering. And why does Anna Paquin have to get naked in EVERY episode? I still think of her as the little girl from Fly Away Home. I feel like Jeff Daniels should sit her down and have a talk with her.


Agree? Disagree? I don't care...that's the point. Like what you like. Hate what you hate. Be your own person...look...I just wrote a Bob Dylan song!

- Billy

Sitcom Paradoxes (PART THREE)

PART THREE

Oops. Sorry for the wait. By a "a few days" I ACTUALLY meant a month. Computer problems and blah blah blah. You're not here to read my excuses. You're here because you are driven. You're here because you want the best. You're here because of my incessant spamming on Facebook. Let's get to it shall we?


REMINDER: If under the OFFENDERS line you see that the show is highlighted green and you can click on it, that means that it is linked to a clip or more information about the episode in question


SCENARIO ELEVEN: THE FAKE MARRIAGE
Offenders: Saved by the Bell (The Mamas and the Papas), Family Matters (Urkel and Laura)

No Child Left Behind...falling standardized test scores...apparently not a concern for these schools. No no, it was much more important to teach the kids how to be married. Except they wouldn't be living together...or having sex together...or even really balancing a checkbook together. What was the point of this assignment? How do you pretend to be married in this context? Maxine gives her "husband" an F because he "cheated on her" by looking at another girl at the mall (which he was, for all intents and purposes, well within his rights to do). How as a teacher do you subjectively grade a student for being a husband or wife? I mean the only thing I can think of is domestic violence is an automatic F. In a bit of irony though, both Zack and Kelly and Laura and Steve did end up getting married in the end. Coincidence, or was it all thanks to knowing they could make it because of this assignment????

SCENARIO TWELVE: THE MANY FACES OF JASON MARSDEN
Offenders: Boy Meets World (as Eric's best friend Jason), Step by Step (as JT's best friend Rich), Full House (as wealthy socialite Nelson)

Lon Cheney was a great actor that was called "The Man of 1000 Faces". He's got nothin on Jason Marsden. You always knew that you knew that guy, but you could never put your finger on it. He fit into his new roles like a comfortable pair of slippers. He was always around, but never the center of attention. It's kind of strange that they couldn't find any other actors to be on these shows. It's not like it takes a plethora of talent to be on them. And yet, out of everyone on all of these shows, he's probably doing the best with a HUGE career in voice over work. Jason Marsden...jack of all trades, renaissance man...we salute you.

SCENARIO THIRTEEN: THE WEIRD VISITING FAMILY MEMBER
Offenders: Family Matters (Myrtle Urkel), Full House (Stavros), Step by Step (Cousin Cody, Carol's nephew Flash)

We all have family members that are a little odd...however, we don't bring them around when we're in a ratings slump. Step by Step was an interesting situation since Sasha Mitchell (Cody) was accused of spousal abuse (which turned out not to be the case) and fell in the public eye (aka the 4 people who still watched Step by Step). So we were introduced to the character of Flash, a guy who acted like he had just taken 7 doses of speed and talked like a gyrating crack addict. However, to me this was less annoying and obtrusive as Myrtle and Stavros. It's one thing to introduce an annoying character, but it's a whole other ballgame when you make a principle cast member pull double duty to play another annoying character. Urkel hysteria had reached an all time high, so what better way to kill it off faster than add a female Urkel, which actor Jaleel White looked WAY too into playing. And don't even get me started with John Stamos as the greasy pedophile looking Stavros. Everybody thinks Eddie Murphy was the first person to lose his mind playing multiple characters in movies. Once again, we can trace our history all the way back to TGIF shows...

SCENARIO FOURTEEN: THE MAGIC TRICK GONE WRONG
Offenders: Home Improvement (The Magician Babysitter), Full House (DJ and Stephanie handcuffed together), Family Matters (Murtaugh and Carl)

For some reason, sitcom writers think that inept magicians and magic tricks are hilarious. People getting handcuffed together is the comedy equivalent of a loud fart in the middle of a silent room. The real question is, in the case of Home Improvement, why the hell would you hire a 70 year old magician to watch your three young sons? There's about 5 pedophile/child molestation jokes there but I'll let you use your imagination and come up with your own, kind of like a choose your own adventure book...choose your own pedophile joke...hmmm, I may be on to something...


SCENARIO FIFTEEN: THE STEVE URKEL WORLD DOMINATION TOUR
Offenders: Step by Step (Steve is Mark's science buddy), Full House (Steve helps Stephanie with her new glasses), Boy Meets World (Steve sends a chain letter to Cory Matthews)

I wanted to end on this note because I feel like the 90's sitcom TGIF universe begins and ends with Steve Urkel. In fact, Steve Urkel himself IS the ultimate sitcom paradox, as his existence unravels the very fabric of the sitcom universe. Riding the Urkel craze in the early to mid 90's, ABC decided to give him a cameo on both Step by Step and Full House. While his Full House appearance was less than creative or memorable, his appearance on Step by Step however was very unique in that at the end of an episode of Family Matters he strapped on a rocket pack and flew out of the Winslow house. Seconds later, when the show was over and the new episode of Step by Step started Urkel crash landed in the Lambert house, thus effectively tying the two together and creating an interest in Step by Step for viewers who wouldn't normally watch. This was all dandy and acceptable until the Boy Meets World crossover...

Urkel decided to send a chain letter to his friend, Cory Matthews in Philadelphia. That's all well and fine except for one thing: Cory knows that Full House is a television show because he has made reference to the Olsen twins. But if Steve Urkel has appeared on Full House, that means a paradox has been created because he can't exist in both worlds. The fact that he knows Cory AND Michelle Tanner proves that he is both real and not real. And thus, the sitcom universe unravels at the hands of Steven Q Urkel.



Next time you're watching Nick at Nite or ABC Family and see one of your beloved 90's sitcoms, think about what we've learned here but also think about how much fun it used to be to watch TGIF or Saved by the Bell on Saturday mornings. They don't make 'em like they used to, but we'll always have our fond memories of "Doing the Urkel", "You got it Dude", and trips to the Max...

-Billy

Sitcom Paradoxes (PART TWO)

* Special thanks to my sister, Sammy Nat Shin for the brainstorming sessions for this blog post*

PART TWO

So now that you've had some time to wrap your head around part one, let's dive straight into part two...with more head scratching enigmas, and of course, and assload more of Urkel.

REMINDER: If under the OFFENDERS line you see that the show is highlighted green and you can click on it, that means that it is linked to a clip or more information about the episode in question

SCENARIO SIX: ANGELS AND DEMONS
Offenders: Full House (Evil & Good Michelle), Family Matters (Evil & Good Carl Winslow), Full House again (After Jessie finds out he's having twins we get Good & Evil Joey and Danny/Manny!)

No, don't adjust your TV set...there really is multiple versions of Carl Winslow on your TV. Somewhere in a room in the late 80's/early 90's, a group of writers decided that whenever a character had a major moral dilemma to think about an angel and a demon should appear on each shoulder to make sure the audience knew that the character in question was struggling with said dilemma. Now in 2009, writers have finally realized that it was a lame gimmick and it really isn't seen much anymore. However, it did give birth to the greatest character in Full House history...MANNY TANNER!

SCENARIO SEVEN: THE CAR THROUGH THE HOUSE
Offenders: Full House (Stephanie drives the car through the kitchen), Family Matters (Eddie drives the car through the living room)

I think it's no surprise that these shows were usually shot on a shoe string budget, so the thought of these episodes where a MAJOR SET PIECE was destroyed is beyond mind blowing to me. Now Stephanie's scenario is different. I see her getting into the car and accidentally driving it through much more plausible than Eddie's accident (although, I don't know ANYONE who leaves the keys to their car just sitting in the ignition...so either Joey is more retarded than we thought or this was common practice in the early 90's). See, while Stephanie has the luxury of being 8 years old and not old enough to even really reach the gas peddle, Eddie has no excuse. How unbelievably down syndrome do you have to be to ram a car through the front door of your house, which series continuity has shown has a mini flight of stairs in front of it leading from the street! You can't accidentally drive through that...in fact, it would be tough to even plan that kind of destruction. And to think...they let Eddie become a cop...

SCENARIO EIGHT: FILM NOIR EPISODES
Offenders: Family Matters (Steve's short story), Boy Meets World (Eric as a detective in the later seasons), I'm pretty sure Step by Step did one too with Cody

I can tolerate an assload of grievances in my beloved 90's sitcoms...but the episodes I just flat out refuse to watch are the film noir episodes. You know, the ones where they're 1930's-1940's crime detectives. Such a horrible, horrible gimmick that always made me want to stab my eyes out. It was always the same...weird protagonist (Eric, Urkel) is the detective solving murder who ends up to be the "hot girl" (and in the case of Family Matters I use that term loosely) who was the surprise killer (Laura, Topanga). Family Matters did an assload of these stupid episodes, one where Steve was a pirate (I just remember you could get 3D glasses at like Pizza Hut or Target or somewhere and then when the episode aired you could watch it in craptastic 3D) and also the episode where Steve and Carl were in the old west. That's how you know your show is going down the toilet, when you have to go back into different time periods to try and inject new life in to your show.

SCENARIO NINE: CHARACTERS ON GAME/TALK SHOWS
Offenders: Boy Meets World (Eric on the MTV's Singled Out), Boy Meets World again (the Quiz Show) Full House (Joey is the host of some love connection game), Family Matters (Waldo, Steve, and Eddie on a love connection game called Dudes), Family Matters again (Steve and Carl on American Gladiators), Family Matters yet again (Steve and Carl on Citizen's Court), Fresh Prince of Bel Air (The Banks family on Oprah)

Much like the presidential election thing I talked about last time, this seems like it would be another chance for the characters to realize they are themselves TV characters. That's the danger about putting a TV character on TV (which Boy Meets World later acknowledged when Eric was given a part on a show that strangely mirrored Boy Meets World). The one thing I've noticed is, if you want to be on TV, get to know the Winslow family. Not only do they seem to breeze past the screening process, but they end up on just about any show they want. I didn't even include when Carl was cast in a movie, the family was affiliated with the Buddy Goodrich show, or when they made their first prize music video. Amazing.

SCENARIO TEN: THE EPIC TRIP TO DISNEYWORLD
Offenders: Family Matters (Stefan proposes), Full House (Princess Michelle), Step by Step (J.T. Disney/Flash breaks the ride record), Boy Meets World (Cory sneaks away to join Topanga at Disneyworld)

Back when Disney bought ABC, all of the families of the TGIF universe strangely decided to visit Disneyworld all at about the same time. Now that's not the crazy part...the crazy part is that they couldn't just have normal vacations. They all had to have EPIC Disney experiences. First of all, I've been an avid Disneyland fan for years, and a secret (well I guess not anymore) ambition of mine has always been to be in the parade...but you have to be someone pretty damn special to even be considered...and yet, the Tanner family? Come on up! Winslow clan? Why the hell not?! Lamberts? Get your ass on up here! How the hell are they getting in these parades?! Not only that, Stefan proposes to Laura, and if I'm not mistaken, aren't they about 15 YEARS OLD?! Stefon's voice hasn't even fully changed yet! Is Disney promoting sexual conduct between clearly two minors?! Speaking of which, Cory and Shawn sleep overnight at Splash Mountain. Besides the homoerotic undertones, does the staff not check the ride at night? Is Disney just promoting incompetence? And Flash trying to break the world record for doing rides at Disneyworld, how the hell did management even get wind of that to give Mark a little command center? And what kind of record are you really breaking if they're letting you up to the front of the line? And for the love of God, the Indiana Jones stunt show shtick was ridiculous. We know...the boulder rolls down, he ducks under it, and stands up at the end unscathed...you don't have to do it for every show...and yes, we know...it's not Steve...so sit down and shut the hell up DJ.


That does it for Part II. Be sure to check back in a few days for Part III that includes even more 90's sitcom paradoxes!!!

- Billy

Sitcom Paradoxes (PART ONE)

* Special thanks to my sister, Sammy Nat Shin for the brainstorming sessions for this blog post*

PART ONE

When I was a kid, I didn't worry about growing up, because I had the world all figured out. It seemed pretty simple to me because I had done the research. I knew what high school was going to be like thanks to Zack Morris and DJ Tanner. I knew what the working world would be like from Carl Winslow and Tim "The Toolman Taylor". And I figured I'd have the same teacher teach me all throughout my educational career such as Mr. Feeny did to the entire Boy Meets World posse. I learned from their trials and tribulations, their loves and their losses, and I felt I was ready for the world.

Then life bitchslaps you with the truth.

Sure it doesn't take long to realize that Joey, having no relation to the Tanner family at all, is really just a kind of creepy pedophile that freeloads in the Tanner living room (wtf is an alcove?!) and subsequently the garage. And with the sheer amount of donuts consumed by Carl Winslow, the mere fact he didn't die of type II diabetes or AT LEAST lose an appendage to the epidemic by the third season is nothing short of miraculous. These are the truths that we uncover as we compare our life experiences with that of our television sitcom counterparts. The strange thing is, most of these 90's sitcoms recycled plots from one series to another, however there are some story lines that popped up in many incarnations that have bamboozled me for the last few years.

REMINDER: If under the OFFENDERS line you see that the show is highlighted green and you can click on it, that means that it is linked to a clip or more information about the episode in question

SCENARIO ONE: THE MASS PRODUCTION OF A FOOD ITEM
Offenders: Family Matters (Carl's Tarts), Saved by the Bell (Screech's Secret Sauce)

This was a weird little plot that floated around a bit in 90's sitcom lore. In Family Matters, Carl bakes a tart and the family loves it, but then Aunt Rachel (who just abandoned her son Richie at the Winslow house like halfway through the show by the way) promises a bakery they will make 12,000 tarts over the weekend. Hilarity ensues. Similarly, Screech becomes a popular kid at school because of his super delicious secret spaghetti sauce (it really didn't take much back then did it?). Growing up I never had an experience where my friends and/or family had to pull together to accomplish a feat with baked goods or any sort of culinary theme. However there was that one time my mom worked the school carnival and accidentally baked a huge piece of plastic into the popcorn...that counts right?

SCENARIO TWO: THE TEEN RADIO STATION
Offenders: Boy Meets World (Cory and Sean's teen talk show), Saved by the Bell (Tiger Radio), Full House (Teen Talk/Yakking with Youth)

After Cory and Shawn's lunch time love show and Slater making a powerful Martin Luther King style speech over Tiger Radio airwaves to save the Max, I was totally sold on the concept of being a high school radio personality. Then reality crept in. I don't know where you grew up, but our high school DID NOT have a radio station. I guess our budget crisis was more severe than most, but I sincerely grew up thinking someday I'd be the next Casey Casem on the Clovis West High School radio station...but alas, it was not to be. Now I realize that in the case of Full House, the Rush Hour Renegades (one of Jessie and Joey's many attempts to brokeback outside of the Tanner household) was not a high school station, but the episode in question is where DJ, Kimmy, and Steve offer up teen advice on the radio. Speaking of teen advice, didn't Saved by the Bell do a teen hotline twice? The first time Zack purposefully made people feel bad to get more customers and Belding shut it down. Then like two seasons later they had a "brilliant new idea" to start a...gasp...teen line! Zack broke the rules and started dating the wheelchair girl who's instant disposal in the next episode is another slap in the face to the crippled. But still...why two teen line episodes? Was the well really that dry for new stories or was Mr. Belding just so inept he couldn't even remember he put the kibosh on it before?

SCENARIO THREE: THE BEACH BOYS
Offenders: Full House (more than one occasion), Home Improvement (The Beach Boys being Wilson's cousin)

There seemed to be some odd paradoxical phenomenon that made The Beach Boys a "must have" for 90's sitcoms. Don't get me wrong, they're a great little staple in pop culture history, but the way they were injected into these shows was just beyond random. Did they have some sort of agreement with ABC? I'm not complaining so much as I'm just absolutely perplexed. Once on Full House would make sense, but again on Home Improvement? I guess lightning does strike twice...oh speaking of weird celebrity hang ups, does anybody remember there was an unusually large amount of Connie Chung jokes in the first few seasons of Full House? i could never figure that one out.

SCENARIO FOUR: THE CLASS PRESIDENT ELECTION/RESIGNATION
Offenders: Saved by the Bell (Jessie vs Zack), Boy Meets World (Cory vs Shawn)

In elementary school, running for class officer was no big deal, but jr. high and high school it's the real thing. However, I'm always flabbergasted when I watch these episodes and hear the ridiculous promises the candidates make. No homework...3 day school weeks...but that's not the surprising part. The part that always gets me is that the administrators always just stand back and nod their heads as if nothing is going on. When we went to school, our speeches were censored and regulated. There's no way the administration would sit back and let these ridiculous claims fly. Even more appalling is the moral decision to resign at the end of campaign speeches, thus "ironically" getting them the sympathy vote. This aspect of the story isn't new, actually dating all the way back to Marcia vs Greg in a season one episode of The Brady Bunch. Since both Zack and Cory both reference The Brady Bunch at some point in their shows, that means that they have most likely seen the Marcia/Greg episode. Didn't they realize their lives were straight on character archetypes at that point? Wouldn't that trigger some sort of self realization and actualization? It actually turns into a really philosophical dilemma when you think about it that might unravel the very fabric of the space/time continuum.

SCENARIO FIVE: FLYING SMALL COMMERCIAL AIRPLANES
Offenders: Full House (Jessie and Becky's Wedding episode where Joey takes Jessie sky diving), Family Matters (Carl and Steve in a plane that Carl has to land), Home Improvement (Mark taking flying lessons from Wilson), Step by Step (I can't remember the exact thing, but I remember Frank and Carol being in the plane)

*EDIT: My Buddy Jeff Moretti sent me the following:
"You are correct in that Frank had to fly a small plane. His flight instructor turns out to be crazy and carol knocks him out. With the help of air traffic control Frank lands the plane. Don't ask me how I remember that, but I do"

Apparently, flying a small plane is as easy as riding a bike. Heck, who would have thought that Joey was a completely licensed pilot when he took Jessie up to sky dive...why the hell is he telling jokes for a living? Pilots make good money! They always used the same little plane with a fog machine to simulate clouds, and yet the background always remained bright blue...where the hell did the clouds go/come from? But that's neither here nor there, the fact is, if we are take 90's sitcoms at face value, then that means most people know how to fly a small plane. I have since come to find that...no...most people do not. Lies.



Check back later in the week for Part II...that's right...there are even more...

- Billy