How to be a Player God's Way

(Sigh)...here we go again...

I recently stumbled upon this video called "HOW TO BE A PLAYER GOD'S WAY" (it's linked for your viewing pleasure) and I was floored. Apparently someone found and uploaded this old promotional video for a camp where the concept is for Christian women to go to a retreat to learn how to convert men they date to Christianity. My jaw hit the floor. People can't REALLY be that stupid...right? I did a little more digging and found out that the concept is very, very real. Apparently it's based on a program called "Date to Save" and thousands of Christian women are employing these techniques to "ensnare" men to Jesus...because clearly, that's how he would want you to do it.

You know why a lot of people are sour on Christianity and Christians in particular? Because a lot of them are just ass backwards stupid. Christianity is about love, acceptance, serving the Lord by being an example. But you can't convert someone through good deeds! Oh no! That's not a good sales pitch! You have to use fear! "Join my religion or burn in the bottomless pits of hell!" You have to use manipulation! "Have problems in your life? Jesus will solve each and every one of them just by accepting him...you will never have another problem again!" You have to use...sex! "Wanna get in these pants? What faith is your penis?" Christianity unfortunately has become a product to be sold, and sadly, the whole point of it has become somewhat lost. A lot of people who claim to be spiritual warriors are the first to discriminate and condemn homosexuals and really anyone who doesn't believe what they do...when I'm pretty sure the man who's teachings we follow LOVES and ACCEPTS EVERYBODY...WE ARE ALL GOD'S CHILDREN! But unfortunately, people like these faith flirter girls just don't get it, and they give all of us who love the Lord a bad name. And let's just stop and think for a minute. Ok, let's assume that homosexuality IS a sin...aren't we all sinners? How is that being a sin any different than me telling a lie or breaking any other commandment? We're all sinners? What makes one sin worse than the rest? They're all sins in God's eyes and that's the whole point of Christianity...that Jesus redeemed us for those sins and we are FORGIVEN. What would people think if they knew I was a Jesus freak? Thanks to a lot of idiots, they'd probably already have the wrong idea...

And along comes this video...it's so ridiculous it's hilarious. I keep watching it on repeat because it's so mind numbingly shocking that I can't help but laugh. I wouldn't touch a faith flirter with a ten foot pole. "Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought how can I use this to serve the Lord?"...wow...have YOU ever looked in the mirror? I love the attempts at making Christianity a "hip" new venture. Low carb communion? Check. Makeovers? Check. Sigh...sex sells. Who would really buy this?

How to be a Player God's Way - watch more funny videos

- Billy

Awkwardness

I originally sent this as an email to the lovely Ms. Griffo (who I miss considerably), but it's just too weird to not share with the rest of the world. How do I always end up in these strange situations?


So I'm in the bathroom shaving (I like to try to be trendy and have a five oclock shadow at all times...it's actually very tough to pull off the "I'm not homeless but I don't care enough to shave" look) and I notice that the sink isn't really draining. "Damn" I think to myself, "I'm going to have to go get a bottle of Drain-O at the store". So as I'm heading to the grocery store I say aloud, "You know what, you've been working hard the last couple of days and I know you've been stressed out. Guess what...I'm making you your favorite dinner" (I am very kind to myself). So I start shopping and getting all the ingredients for a nice dinner and I go get the bottle of Drain-O and I decide that as long as I'm here, I might as well get some more razor blades since I'll never otherwise remember to get them. So I go to the express checkout lane (which is a joke, because that's the lane where the old people bring up ONE can of pork and beans and make a huge scene if the store won't accept a 3 cent off coupon which ends up taking an hour to resolve when I could have waited in the regular line and been done by that point) and I start to put my groceries on the little conveyor belt (which I also hate because then everybody is just looking at my life in terms of groceries as I put them on there and are basically judging me right there on the spot) and the checkout lady looks at me like I'm pointing a loaded gun at her. Her eyes are wide open and i can just see this look of fear, but for the life of me I have no idea why.

"Hello sir. How are you doing today?"

Pretty innocent question. I shurg and say "just a little crazy day...glad it's winding down". She kind of gulps and continues to scan the groceries. I reached my hand into my pocket to get my club card and realized that I had grabbed my Costco card instead. So I just mutter under my breath "shit"...it was seriously almost inaudible, just a mumble to myself and she said "What?! What is it?! Is something wrong?! Is there something I can do?!"
At this point I'm wondering what the hell is wrong with this chick. I calmly say "Oh just one of those days. I forgot my member card and I don't know what phone number its under...but its alright I don't really care" and without even blinking she says "No no no...I'll give you the member discount. I believe you. We really value you here."

Bizarre. I can't figure out what's wrong with this chick. She kinda looks at me and says "Looks like you're about to make a really nice dinner"

"Yep...that's the plan".
"Is that all you plan on doing tonight?"

Now I'm thinking...ok...either she thinks I'm going to rob the store for some reason or she has a very odd way of hitting on guys.

"Um...I don't really know. I usually just take things one step at a time (awkward laugh)...First step is making dinner"

She starts to bag my stuff and then literally stops and goes "Oh my gosh I'm sorry...I totally forgot to ask...is plastic ok??"

"Yeah it doesn't matter".

She looks at me STRAIGHT in the eyes "It does to some people".

Ok...this is officially the WEIRDEST checkout process I've ever been through. So I grab my bags and say "thanks" and she says "We hope to see you back really really soon". I make a stupid joke "well...I go through yoplait yogurts pretty quickly so I'm sure I'll be back sooner rather than later..."

I really quickly get to my car to avoid any further awkward talk with her and as I put the bags in my car it finally hit me. Here I am, looking kinda stressed out and tired and I'm putting all these ingredients for what could be an epic dinner...and then a bottle of Drain-O and razor blades. She probably thought I was on my way home to put on a Nine Inch Nails CD and make myself my "last supper" to which afterward I'll drink the bottle of Drain-O while cutting myself. Poor gal. She's probably thinking "There's something more I could have done..." I'll have to go back tomorrow and just buy a pack of gum so she knows I'm alright. Then she'll probably take credit for it "He was in here last night...I saved his life with kindness."

- Billy

Interview with a Vampire...um...penis.

*WARNING* - This is most likely NOT work appropriate. As always, at your own risk...

Thanks to Courtney for bringing this to my attention

Thanks to my post berating Twilight, True Blood, and all things vampire, my eyes have been opened by just how far this thing actually reaches. Some girls are obsessed with Robert Pattinson...ok...not my choice (obviously), but I get that they would be gaga over the actor who plays a vampire. Those aren't the ones I'm worried about. I'm worried about the girls that actually want to have sex with VAMPIRES. Now, unless I'm wrong, vampires aren't real, right? So that's why a product like this befuddles me:

THE VAMP (click it and go to the page...I promise it's not that bad/graphic)

That's right ladies...now you can have your very own VAMPIRE DILDO! Why fantasize about what it COULD be like when you can know RIGHT NOW?! This is absurd. How would anybody know how to accurately recreate a vampire penis? What if it's totally different? I surely can't draw you a magical elf vagina simply because it's impossible to know what it would look like...BECAUSE IT'S NOT REAL! Look at this description "with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the new moon's glow"...you don't need a vampire for that! Just get a computer nerd! That's essentialy what you would be buying. You would be buying a replica of a penis of a guy that hasn't been outside in a year. And how about that Emmy award winning video for it! The background music cracks me up. It sounds like music from the that hit musical "Rape in the Back of an Alley". But that's not even the worst part..."Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience". Since I've already beaten the "how would you know" argument to death, let's just look at logistics. Why would you want to pleasure yourself with a popsicle? How could that at all be comfortable? That's why Mr. Freeze never got any action...

Folks, far be it from me to be the one who knocks on hardcore fans. Anybody who knows me knows that I'm pretty into my Batman and KISS...but I think I'd be crossing a line if I bought a mold of Catwoman's breasts...come to think of it, I wonder if they make those...NO...no...stay on point Billy...damn, I lost my train of thought...well the point was, there is a time and a place for fan obsession, and I really don't want to meet the girl that thinks this is an awesome product. Well...maybe I'd meet her, but the girl who puts it in the freezer...we'd have to talk...

-Billy

10 things I need to set the record straight about

Public opinion can make or break you. There has to be truth to that sentence. The Black Eyed Peas song "Boom Boom Pow" is in my opinion the worst piece of "music" that has ever been written and/or recorded, however, public opinion has been gracious to it and made it a hit. More often than not, if a big enough group of people like or dislike something they can influence how other people feel or think. Everybody has that one friend who can be swayed any way the wind blows. I won't lie to you friends, I have been a party to this crime many times as well. Maybe I've said I hated something that deep down I loved but wanted to fit in, or maybe gushed about something that I really thought was overrated. Well dear readers, I am here to make amends for my ball-less display of following the social trends. You may applaud me, you may think I'm an idiot or take issue with my stances...but come what may, here are 10 things that everybody loves or hates that I don't agree with:

10. Grand Theft Auto - Everybody and their mother seems to love GTA, but I'll admit...I don't get it...at all. I just don't get the point of it. Most people play video games to escape from reality and become a sports star or an alien gun wielding bad ass...so why on earth would you want to play a game that's pretty much all about life in south central Los Angeles? I mean, I love beating up hookers as much as the next guy don't get me wrong, but if you're really that deprave, why not just go do it in person? It's like kids who get really good at guitar hero and can do it with their eyes closed...why not just pick up a real guitar if you're that good? Why not go steal a real car? Kids these days...no ambition.

9. Bob Dylan - I understand and respect the fact that when it comes to the free wheelin' Bob Dylan he's a legend...but why?! Sometimes I catch myself mumbling and rambling and I think if I could just put it to music maybe I could be as famous as Bob Dylan. The thing about his songs are, they don't offer you anything you don't already know, but people claim it's like life changing poetry. The times they are a changing? Thanks Bob, I was unaware. Everybody needs to get stoned? Really? Alright...

8. Entourage - I've seen about 4 episodes of this show and I absolutely hate it. Everybody on this show is a jerk. Apparently if you're a "real guy's guy" you want to be a part of their entourage and hang out with them. I would stab myself in the face with a fork if I had to spend more than 5 minutes with any of those guys. And while I do find Jeremy Piven amusing, his newest movie The Goods was one of the most excruciatingly painful things I've ever subjected myself to. This is coming from the guy who sliced his Achilles tendon in half...

7. Taylor Hicks - I still remember it like it was yesterday...May of 2006. Katharine McPhee vs Taylor Hicks for the crown of American Idol. Sure Katharine McPhee is hot, but she's a dime a dozen singer. Taylor was something new...something fresh. Of course he won and has become, along with Ruben, one of the least successful Idols of all time. I was one of the 5 people that bought his debut album and I have to say, I love it. I think American Idol was the wrong vehicle from him since it wasn't really his demographic, but exposure is exposure. I suppose you take what you can get. I hear he's doing really well on Broadway in Grease. You go Taylor! Soul Patrol!

6. Grape Jolly Ranchers - For the longest time I was under the impression that everybody loved grape Jolly Ranchers and that they were the hot ticket item. About 5 months ago I brought up this fact and was told that it was in fact the opposite: most people hate grape flavored JRs. So while I was at the mall food court (where any great scientific research is conducted) I did a little survey and asked people their least favorite flavor of JR. Of the 20 some odd people that I asked, it was unanimously grape. Not one single person offered up any other flavor. I don't get the hate. I was under the impression that everyone was in agreement that Yellow was hands down the gnarliest flavor offender of the bunch. Granted, Jolly Ranchers aren't my candy of choice by any stretch of the imagination, but I surely wouldn't refuse a grape one. Oh well...more for me I guess...

5. The Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions - Almost everybody has the same thing to say where it concerns the Matrix trilogy: "The first one was bad ass...the second one was weird, and I hated the third one". Sigh. I feel like this is another case of having great expectations that were impossible to live up to instead of letting the story organically unfold. The mythology behind the Matrix universe is so rich with philosophy and history that every time I watch them again it's like discovering a whole new movie. In fact, the first Matrix movie has become my least favorite of the three simply because it paints a very simplistic, broad image of what the Matrix actually is. Tell you what, come over and watch the trilogy with me and I bet you $ that I can change your mind...

4. Monster Energy Drinks - My friend Erick has about 5 Monster drinks a day. He has them as breakfast most days. I always tell him his sperm is going to end up producing some webbed footed children, but alas...he lives off the stuff. A lot of people do. I don't get energy drinks. They taste like unwiped ass and give me a jolt of energy for about 45 minutes before I'm worse off than I was before. It's really no different than crack. You're happy as a clam for a bit, but then you need to keep having more and more to get the feeling. How is this any different? Either this should be illegal or crack should be legal. Take your pick.

3. Wild Wild West - I know, I know. Maybe you could have bought everything I said up until this point. How could I possibly defend Will Smith and Kevin Kline in Wild Wild West. First of all, let me just state for the record that I'm well aware it's not a great movie. However, claims that it's one of the worst movies of all time is just absurd. Are you telling me this is worse than the remake of Rollerball or worse than Strange Wilderness? I didn't think so. I don't get why it's THAT hated...it has Will Smith (who doesn't love Will Smith) and full backal nudity from Salma Hayek...how could it possibly be that bad? It's not. Not by a long shot.

2. Bacon - There are certain things you have to love to be a true man, and bacon is one of them. I just can't hang with it. I hate the smell of it, I hate the taste of it...I even hate the sound of it sizzling. Add to the fact that I couldn't even point out on a graph what part of the anatomy of a pig bacon comes from and it all adds up to me being completely disgusted by just the mere concept. Hash browns are pretty bomb though. I think hash browns should eclipse bacon on the breakfast importance hierarchy.

1. Twilight/True Blood/Anything Vampire Related - When did everybody suddenly get obsessed with Vampires? It's like the nation turned emo all at once. Let's start with Twilight because it's far and away the crappiest of the bunch. I saw Twilight with zero expectations...didn't read the book...hell I didn't even see the trailer. To this day I am still befuddled over what the big deal is. Technically speaking it's a horrible film. It's dark and muddy and the acting/writing is atrocious. The special effects looked like those old PBS Chronicles of Narnia BBC movies they used to have where half of the Narnia creatures were hand drawn. True Blood is the HBO vampire show that I THOUGHT only chicks were into, but apparently it has both genders sucked in (come on...everybody loves puns). The plot lines are so ridiculous that after a couple of episodes I was tempted to throw in Twilight just to ease my suffering. And why does Anna Paquin have to get naked in EVERY episode? I still think of her as the little girl from Fly Away Home. I feel like Jeff Daniels should sit her down and have a talk with her.


Agree? Disagree? I don't care...that's the point. Like what you like. Hate what you hate. Be your own person...look...I just wrote a Bob Dylan song!

- Billy

Sitcom Paradoxes (PART THREE)

PART THREE

Oops. Sorry for the wait. By a "a few days" I ACTUALLY meant a month. Computer problems and blah blah blah. You're not here to read my excuses. You're here because you are driven. You're here because you want the best. You're here because of my incessant spamming on Facebook. Let's get to it shall we?


REMINDER: If under the OFFENDERS line you see that the show is highlighted green and you can click on it, that means that it is linked to a clip or more information about the episode in question


SCENARIO ELEVEN: THE FAKE MARRIAGE
Offenders: Saved by the Bell (The Mamas and the Papas), Family Matters (Urkel and Laura)

No Child Left Behind...falling standardized test scores...apparently not a concern for these schools. No no, it was much more important to teach the kids how to be married. Except they wouldn't be living together...or having sex together...or even really balancing a checkbook together. What was the point of this assignment? How do you pretend to be married in this context? Maxine gives her "husband" an F because he "cheated on her" by looking at another girl at the mall (which he was, for all intents and purposes, well within his rights to do). How as a teacher do you subjectively grade a student for being a husband or wife? I mean the only thing I can think of is domestic violence is an automatic F. In a bit of irony though, both Zack and Kelly and Laura and Steve did end up getting married in the end. Coincidence, or was it all thanks to knowing they could make it because of this assignment????

SCENARIO TWELVE: THE MANY FACES OF JASON MARSDEN
Offenders: Boy Meets World (as Eric's best friend Jason), Step by Step (as JT's best friend Rich), Full House (as wealthy socialite Nelson)

Lon Cheney was a great actor that was called "The Man of 1000 Faces". He's got nothin on Jason Marsden. You always knew that you knew that guy, but you could never put your finger on it. He fit into his new roles like a comfortable pair of slippers. He was always around, but never the center of attention. It's kind of strange that they couldn't find any other actors to be on these shows. It's not like it takes a plethora of talent to be on them. And yet, out of everyone on all of these shows, he's probably doing the best with a HUGE career in voice over work. Jason Marsden...jack of all trades, renaissance man...we salute you.

SCENARIO THIRTEEN: THE WEIRD VISITING FAMILY MEMBER
Offenders: Family Matters (Myrtle Urkel), Full House (Stavros), Step by Step (Cousin Cody, Carol's nephew Flash)

We all have family members that are a little odd...however, we don't bring them around when we're in a ratings slump. Step by Step was an interesting situation since Sasha Mitchell (Cody) was accused of spousal abuse (which turned out not to be the case) and fell in the public eye (aka the 4 people who still watched Step by Step). So we were introduced to the character of Flash, a guy who acted like he had just taken 7 doses of speed and talked like a gyrating crack addict. However, to me this was less annoying and obtrusive as Myrtle and Stavros. It's one thing to introduce an annoying character, but it's a whole other ballgame when you make a principle cast member pull double duty to play another annoying character. Urkel hysteria had reached an all time high, so what better way to kill it off faster than add a female Urkel, which actor Jaleel White looked WAY too into playing. And don't even get me started with John Stamos as the greasy pedophile looking Stavros. Everybody thinks Eddie Murphy was the first person to lose his mind playing multiple characters in movies. Once again, we can trace our history all the way back to TGIF shows...

SCENARIO FOURTEEN: THE MAGIC TRICK GONE WRONG
Offenders: Home Improvement (The Magician Babysitter), Full House (DJ and Stephanie handcuffed together), Family Matters (Murtaugh and Carl)

For some reason, sitcom writers think that inept magicians and magic tricks are hilarious. People getting handcuffed together is the comedy equivalent of a loud fart in the middle of a silent room. The real question is, in the case of Home Improvement, why the hell would you hire a 70 year old magician to watch your three young sons? There's about 5 pedophile/child molestation jokes there but I'll let you use your imagination and come up with your own, kind of like a choose your own adventure book...choose your own pedophile joke...hmmm, I may be on to something...


SCENARIO FIFTEEN: THE STEVE URKEL WORLD DOMINATION TOUR
Offenders: Step by Step (Steve is Mark's science buddy), Full House (Steve helps Stephanie with her new glasses), Boy Meets World (Steve sends a chain letter to Cory Matthews)

I wanted to end on this note because I feel like the 90's sitcom TGIF universe begins and ends with Steve Urkel. In fact, Steve Urkel himself IS the ultimate sitcom paradox, as his existence unravels the very fabric of the sitcom universe. Riding the Urkel craze in the early to mid 90's, ABC decided to give him a cameo on both Step by Step and Full House. While his Full House appearance was less than creative or memorable, his appearance on Step by Step however was very unique in that at the end of an episode of Family Matters he strapped on a rocket pack and flew out of the Winslow house. Seconds later, when the show was over and the new episode of Step by Step started Urkel crash landed in the Lambert house, thus effectively tying the two together and creating an interest in Step by Step for viewers who wouldn't normally watch. This was all dandy and acceptable until the Boy Meets World crossover...

Urkel decided to send a chain letter to his friend, Cory Matthews in Philadelphia. That's all well and fine except for one thing: Cory knows that Full House is a television show because he has made reference to the Olsen twins. But if Steve Urkel has appeared on Full House, that means a paradox has been created because he can't exist in both worlds. The fact that he knows Cory AND Michelle Tanner proves that he is both real and not real. And thus, the sitcom universe unravels at the hands of Steven Q Urkel.



Next time you're watching Nick at Nite or ABC Family and see one of your beloved 90's sitcoms, think about what we've learned here but also think about how much fun it used to be to watch TGIF or Saved by the Bell on Saturday mornings. They don't make 'em like they used to, but we'll always have our fond memories of "Doing the Urkel", "You got it Dude", and trips to the Max...

-Billy

Sitcom Paradoxes (PART TWO)

* Special thanks to my sister, Sammy Nat Shin for the brainstorming sessions for this blog post*

PART TWO

So now that you've had some time to wrap your head around part one, let's dive straight into part two...with more head scratching enigmas, and of course, and assload more of Urkel.

REMINDER: If under the OFFENDERS line you see that the show is highlighted green and you can click on it, that means that it is linked to a clip or more information about the episode in question

SCENARIO SIX: ANGELS AND DEMONS
Offenders: Full House (Evil & Good Michelle), Family Matters (Evil & Good Carl Winslow), Full House again (After Jessie finds out he's having twins we get Good & Evil Joey and Danny/Manny!)

No, don't adjust your TV set...there really is multiple versions of Carl Winslow on your TV. Somewhere in a room in the late 80's/early 90's, a group of writers decided that whenever a character had a major moral dilemma to think about an angel and a demon should appear on each shoulder to make sure the audience knew that the character in question was struggling with said dilemma. Now in 2009, writers have finally realized that it was a lame gimmick and it really isn't seen much anymore. However, it did give birth to the greatest character in Full House history...MANNY TANNER!

SCENARIO SEVEN: THE CAR THROUGH THE HOUSE
Offenders: Full House (Stephanie drives the car through the kitchen), Family Matters (Eddie drives the car through the living room)

I think it's no surprise that these shows were usually shot on a shoe string budget, so the thought of these episodes where a MAJOR SET PIECE was destroyed is beyond mind blowing to me. Now Stephanie's scenario is different. I see her getting into the car and accidentally driving it through much more plausible than Eddie's accident (although, I don't know ANYONE who leaves the keys to their car just sitting in the ignition...so either Joey is more retarded than we thought or this was common practice in the early 90's). See, while Stephanie has the luxury of being 8 years old and not old enough to even really reach the gas peddle, Eddie has no excuse. How unbelievably down syndrome do you have to be to ram a car through the front door of your house, which series continuity has shown has a mini flight of stairs in front of it leading from the street! You can't accidentally drive through that...in fact, it would be tough to even plan that kind of destruction. And to think...they let Eddie become a cop...

SCENARIO EIGHT: FILM NOIR EPISODES
Offenders: Family Matters (Steve's short story), Boy Meets World (Eric as a detective in the later seasons), I'm pretty sure Step by Step did one too with Cody

I can tolerate an assload of grievances in my beloved 90's sitcoms...but the episodes I just flat out refuse to watch are the film noir episodes. You know, the ones where they're 1930's-1940's crime detectives. Such a horrible, horrible gimmick that always made me want to stab my eyes out. It was always the same...weird protagonist (Eric, Urkel) is the detective solving murder who ends up to be the "hot girl" (and in the case of Family Matters I use that term loosely) who was the surprise killer (Laura, Topanga). Family Matters did an assload of these stupid episodes, one where Steve was a pirate (I just remember you could get 3D glasses at like Pizza Hut or Target or somewhere and then when the episode aired you could watch it in craptastic 3D) and also the episode where Steve and Carl were in the old west. That's how you know your show is going down the toilet, when you have to go back into different time periods to try and inject new life in to your show.

SCENARIO NINE: CHARACTERS ON GAME/TALK SHOWS
Offenders: Boy Meets World (Eric on the MTV's Singled Out), Boy Meets World again (the Quiz Show) Full House (Joey is the host of some love connection game), Family Matters (Waldo, Steve, and Eddie on a love connection game called Dudes), Family Matters again (Steve and Carl on American Gladiators), Family Matters yet again (Steve and Carl on Citizen's Court), Fresh Prince of Bel Air (The Banks family on Oprah)

Much like the presidential election thing I talked about last time, this seems like it would be another chance for the characters to realize they are themselves TV characters. That's the danger about putting a TV character on TV (which Boy Meets World later acknowledged when Eric was given a part on a show that strangely mirrored Boy Meets World). The one thing I've noticed is, if you want to be on TV, get to know the Winslow family. Not only do they seem to breeze past the screening process, but they end up on just about any show they want. I didn't even include when Carl was cast in a movie, the family was affiliated with the Buddy Goodrich show, or when they made their first prize music video. Amazing.

SCENARIO TEN: THE EPIC TRIP TO DISNEYWORLD
Offenders: Family Matters (Stefan proposes), Full House (Princess Michelle), Step by Step (J.T. Disney/Flash breaks the ride record), Boy Meets World (Cory sneaks away to join Topanga at Disneyworld)

Back when Disney bought ABC, all of the families of the TGIF universe strangely decided to visit Disneyworld all at about the same time. Now that's not the crazy part...the crazy part is that they couldn't just have normal vacations. They all had to have EPIC Disney experiences. First of all, I've been an avid Disneyland fan for years, and a secret (well I guess not anymore) ambition of mine has always been to be in the parade...but you have to be someone pretty damn special to even be considered...and yet, the Tanner family? Come on up! Winslow clan? Why the hell not?! Lamberts? Get your ass on up here! How the hell are they getting in these parades?! Not only that, Stefan proposes to Laura, and if I'm not mistaken, aren't they about 15 YEARS OLD?! Stefon's voice hasn't even fully changed yet! Is Disney promoting sexual conduct between clearly two minors?! Speaking of which, Cory and Shawn sleep overnight at Splash Mountain. Besides the homoerotic undertones, does the staff not check the ride at night? Is Disney just promoting incompetence? And Flash trying to break the world record for doing rides at Disneyworld, how the hell did management even get wind of that to give Mark a little command center? And what kind of record are you really breaking if they're letting you up to the front of the line? And for the love of God, the Indiana Jones stunt show shtick was ridiculous. We know...the boulder rolls down, he ducks under it, and stands up at the end unscathed...you don't have to do it for every show...and yes, we know...it's not Steve...so sit down and shut the hell up DJ.


That does it for Part II. Be sure to check back in a few days for Part III that includes even more 90's sitcom paradoxes!!!

- Billy

Sitcom Paradoxes (PART ONE)

* Special thanks to my sister, Sammy Nat Shin for the brainstorming sessions for this blog post*

PART ONE

When I was a kid, I didn't worry about growing up, because I had the world all figured out. It seemed pretty simple to me because I had done the research. I knew what high school was going to be like thanks to Zack Morris and DJ Tanner. I knew what the working world would be like from Carl Winslow and Tim "The Toolman Taylor". And I figured I'd have the same teacher teach me all throughout my educational career such as Mr. Feeny did to the entire Boy Meets World posse. I learned from their trials and tribulations, their loves and their losses, and I felt I was ready for the world.

Then life bitchslaps you with the truth.

Sure it doesn't take long to realize that Joey, having no relation to the Tanner family at all, is really just a kind of creepy pedophile that freeloads in the Tanner living room (wtf is an alcove?!) and subsequently the garage. And with the sheer amount of donuts consumed by Carl Winslow, the mere fact he didn't die of type II diabetes or AT LEAST lose an appendage to the epidemic by the third season is nothing short of miraculous. These are the truths that we uncover as we compare our life experiences with that of our television sitcom counterparts. The strange thing is, most of these 90's sitcoms recycled plots from one series to another, however there are some story lines that popped up in many incarnations that have bamboozled me for the last few years.

REMINDER: If under the OFFENDERS line you see that the show is highlighted green and you can click on it, that means that it is linked to a clip or more information about the episode in question

SCENARIO ONE: THE MASS PRODUCTION OF A FOOD ITEM
Offenders: Family Matters (Carl's Tarts), Saved by the Bell (Screech's Secret Sauce)

This was a weird little plot that floated around a bit in 90's sitcom lore. In Family Matters, Carl bakes a tart and the family loves it, but then Aunt Rachel (who just abandoned her son Richie at the Winslow house like halfway through the show by the way) promises a bakery they will make 12,000 tarts over the weekend. Hilarity ensues. Similarly, Screech becomes a popular kid at school because of his super delicious secret spaghetti sauce (it really didn't take much back then did it?). Growing up I never had an experience where my friends and/or family had to pull together to accomplish a feat with baked goods or any sort of culinary theme. However there was that one time my mom worked the school carnival and accidentally baked a huge piece of plastic into the popcorn...that counts right?

SCENARIO TWO: THE TEEN RADIO STATION
Offenders: Boy Meets World (Cory and Sean's teen talk show), Saved by the Bell (Tiger Radio), Full House (Teen Talk/Yakking with Youth)

After Cory and Shawn's lunch time love show and Slater making a powerful Martin Luther King style speech over Tiger Radio airwaves to save the Max, I was totally sold on the concept of being a high school radio personality. Then reality crept in. I don't know where you grew up, but our high school DID NOT have a radio station. I guess our budget crisis was more severe than most, but I sincerely grew up thinking someday I'd be the next Casey Casem on the Clovis West High School radio station...but alas, it was not to be. Now I realize that in the case of Full House, the Rush Hour Renegades (one of Jessie and Joey's many attempts to brokeback outside of the Tanner household) was not a high school station, but the episode in question is where DJ, Kimmy, and Steve offer up teen advice on the radio. Speaking of teen advice, didn't Saved by the Bell do a teen hotline twice? The first time Zack purposefully made people feel bad to get more customers and Belding shut it down. Then like two seasons later they had a "brilliant new idea" to start a...gasp...teen line! Zack broke the rules and started dating the wheelchair girl who's instant disposal in the next episode is another slap in the face to the crippled. But still...why two teen line episodes? Was the well really that dry for new stories or was Mr. Belding just so inept he couldn't even remember he put the kibosh on it before?

SCENARIO THREE: THE BEACH BOYS
Offenders: Full House (more than one occasion), Home Improvement (The Beach Boys being Wilson's cousin)

There seemed to be some odd paradoxical phenomenon that made The Beach Boys a "must have" for 90's sitcoms. Don't get me wrong, they're a great little staple in pop culture history, but the way they were injected into these shows was just beyond random. Did they have some sort of agreement with ABC? I'm not complaining so much as I'm just absolutely perplexed. Once on Full House would make sense, but again on Home Improvement? I guess lightning does strike twice...oh speaking of weird celebrity hang ups, does anybody remember there was an unusually large amount of Connie Chung jokes in the first few seasons of Full House? i could never figure that one out.

SCENARIO FOUR: THE CLASS PRESIDENT ELECTION/RESIGNATION
Offenders: Saved by the Bell (Jessie vs Zack), Boy Meets World (Cory vs Shawn)

In elementary school, running for class officer was no big deal, but jr. high and high school it's the real thing. However, I'm always flabbergasted when I watch these episodes and hear the ridiculous promises the candidates make. No homework...3 day school weeks...but that's not the surprising part. The part that always gets me is that the administrators always just stand back and nod their heads as if nothing is going on. When we went to school, our speeches were censored and regulated. There's no way the administration would sit back and let these ridiculous claims fly. Even more appalling is the moral decision to resign at the end of campaign speeches, thus "ironically" getting them the sympathy vote. This aspect of the story isn't new, actually dating all the way back to Marcia vs Greg in a season one episode of The Brady Bunch. Since both Zack and Cory both reference The Brady Bunch at some point in their shows, that means that they have most likely seen the Marcia/Greg episode. Didn't they realize their lives were straight on character archetypes at that point? Wouldn't that trigger some sort of self realization and actualization? It actually turns into a really philosophical dilemma when you think about it that might unravel the very fabric of the space/time continuum.

SCENARIO FIVE: FLYING SMALL COMMERCIAL AIRPLANES
Offenders: Full House (Jessie and Becky's Wedding episode where Joey takes Jessie sky diving), Family Matters (Carl and Steve in a plane that Carl has to land), Home Improvement (Mark taking flying lessons from Wilson), Step by Step (I can't remember the exact thing, but I remember Frank and Carol being in the plane)

*EDIT: My Buddy Jeff Moretti sent me the following:
"You are correct in that Frank had to fly a small plane. His flight instructor turns out to be crazy and carol knocks him out. With the help of air traffic control Frank lands the plane. Don't ask me how I remember that, but I do"

Apparently, flying a small plane is as easy as riding a bike. Heck, who would have thought that Joey was a completely licensed pilot when he took Jessie up to sky dive...why the hell is he telling jokes for a living? Pilots make good money! They always used the same little plane with a fog machine to simulate clouds, and yet the background always remained bright blue...where the hell did the clouds go/come from? But that's neither here nor there, the fact is, if we are take 90's sitcoms at face value, then that means most people know how to fly a small plane. I have since come to find that...no...most people do not. Lies.



Check back later in the week for Part II...that's right...there are even more...

- Billy

I call dibs on Kelly Clarkson

Find me a male in America who doesn't have a Kelly Clarkson song on their iPod...it won't happen. Whether or not you will get them to admit it is one thing, but deep down we as a species are genetically wired to like "Walk Away". When Kelly burst out on the scene she was adorable...now she's bursting out of the seams...of her pants...that was supposed to be a lead in like you'd hear on EXTRA or Entertainment Tonight...you know, I just read that out loud and it doesn't really work on paper or in person, but the point I'm trying to make is, Kelly is a bit...larger now. In fact, it's become such a problem that when you google image search her name in the search suggestions it auto corrects to "kelly clarkson fat". Brutal.

Ok, Kelly Clarkson was chubby then skinny then chubby and now she's fat. If the real world was like the Disney movie the Lion King we would call this the Kelly Clarkson Circle of Life. For the record, I like slightly chubby Kelly Clarkson. Why? Because she seems obtainable. I never understood guys who had posters of women in their room of girls that were completely out of their league. Why would you want to wake up and look at a picture of a semi-nude gorgeous woman that even in your wildest dreams you wouldn't have a shot at? No no, I want to keep it simple, and that's why I love Kelly. She's adorable, but not so hot that she's a pipe dream. That's why I am about to make a bold statement:

Somebody needs to start dating Kelly Clarkson now before she gets out of her fat phase.

Shocking right? Think about it. Right now, even the chub chasers are a little grossed out by her sudden Jabba the Hutt look-a-like-ness, but in reality Kelly's weight gain is perfectly analogous to the current economic situation. Kelly's value is way way down, and although it seems that she doesn't care about her appearance, eventually her label and or/her doctors will and force her to lose the weight, going back to skinny gorgeous Kelly Clarkson (cue the Elton John Circle of Life song). So if you ever want a shot at Kelly, you have to strike now when she's morbidly obese. We call this a "fixer upper". Make her fall in love with you now while she's still eating a whole family size roll of Pillsbury cookie dough for breakfast and indulge her fast food cravings. Then when the Kelly Clarkson Circle of Life comes back to being a gorgeous pop star, you were the caring, unselfish boyfriend who stuck by her through the hard times. It's a win-win really.

Whatever happened to Miss Independent? Kelly Clarkson ate her...but you know what...I'd still hit it...because my life would suck without her (I figured I'd try to end it with a bad pun like EXTRA or Entertainment Tonight...I know, still not funny).

- Billy

You're not allowed to like Star Trek

You either know this person, or you are this person. There are those people that take great pride when they know of a band/movie/TV show before it becomes popular and take great anguish when the rest of the world catches on. Generally, these people irritate the hell out of me, with the worst of the lot throwing their mantra of "you sold out!" around like it actually means something. Bands make music so people will hear it and actors make movies and shows so people will watch them...believe it or not, but they don't make it specifically for you and your internet forum friends to have exclusive rights over.

THAT BEING SAID...

Star Trek is now cool and it's pissing me off. How is that any different, you might be asking, than your aforementioned rant? Well...let's say you fall in love with an unknown band and you take ownership over it, but then they become incredibly famous. Before they became popular, nobody knew their name and had no idea they even existed. So when they finally catch fire, no harm no foul. But Star Trek had MASSIVE hate before it's new incarnation. I remember I got really into it in Jr. High which is pretty much a suicidal time to have your email address be spock86@startrekmail.com... but none the less, I held my ground. I would have to hide my Trekkie fandom like Anne Frank in the closet, but there I was reading my fan-fic books about Khan and Kirk tangling up in outter space and rushing home to watch reruns of the Next Generation. It was sad really...and you better believe I got picked on hardcore. But now those same assbags that persecuted (I realize that's a pretty dramatic word, but it works in the vein of Bill Shatner) me are now flocking to the theater to see the new Star Trek because JJ made it "cool and fresh" and are walking out of the theater like they discovered this great new franchise. What about us Trekkie nerds who suffered through the awkward years of our lives supporting this franchise that it might still be around for you to take hold of later? What about the countless kids who became adults that were the ORIGINAL Trek nerds that got picked on? I want reparations...for every dollar this film makes I want a penny for the hassle I had to put up with for loving Trek when it wasn't cool. So to all you kids who are just now getting on the bandwagon...respect us nerds you picked on for paving the way for you to be trendy and like it now.

And if you STILL hate Star Trek, Live long and go eff yourself.

Billy

Britney Spears isn't crazy...she's a genius

Since the dawn of time...man has been trying to get away with saying the F word on radio and television. It's true...George Carlin made a whole comedy routine about it (7 dirty words). Many have tried, but few have been able to dupe a majority of the public into accepting the F word over broadcast airwaves. Then came Britney Spears...

I heard the song "If You Seek Amy" on the radio the other day and besides not really being a great song, I was completely confused. The lyrics didn't make sense to me at all.

"All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy."

Normally this kind of oddity of word choice would invoke investigation into the meaning of the lyrics...but it's Britney Spears. We've seen her crazy antics over the last couple of years. So of course, I chalked it up to "Britney just being Britney".

Then yesterday, I had a moment of clarity. I heard it again and was thinking "it's still a stupid title...if you seek Amy...U seek amy...U C K Me...holy crap...BRITNEY IS SPELLING OUT THE F WORD! SHE'S DONE IT!

You see, Britney has outsmarted the censors and has come closer than anyone ever has to making the F word acceptable on public airwaves. This is my theory...I don't think Britney ever really went crazy. I think it was all a ruse. I think she planned this from the start. Her goal was to get the F word on the radio. So...she started doing crazy things and letting the media label her a loose cannon. That way, when she pulled this diabolical stunt, nobody questions the words not making sense because Britney is just crazy anyways!

I thought maybe I was just late to the game on this one...but I talked to my friend last night who is a hardcore Britney Spears fan and she was shocked at the revelation too...thinking the words were just Britney being Britney. I'm willing to bet a MAJORITY of the people that hear this song won't pick it up...which is amazing. Britney...I take back what I've said in the past. You are an evil genius.

Religious chain letters are hilarious...

So, my mom likes to send me these "inspirational stories" that are no more than religious chain letters. I usually see the dreaded 3 letter subject "FWD:" and delete it, but today, I read it...and it was hilarious. Allow me to publish it in full for you:

The Brick!!! Read It.

Read this today and don't delete it even if you are too busy!! You'll see.

THE BRICK

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown.. The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, 'What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?' The young boy was apologetic. 'Please, mister....please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do,' He pleaded. 'I threw the brick because no one else would stop....' With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. 'It's my brother, 'he said 'He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up.'

Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me.'

Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat... He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. 'Thank you and may God bless you,' the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.

It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: 'Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!' God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not..

Thought for the Day:

If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.

If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.

He sends you flowers every spring.

He sends you a sunrise every morning Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!

Send this to every 'beautiful person' you wish to bless.

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow,sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way..

Read this line very slowly and let it sink in...

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Pass this message to seven people except you and me.

You will receive a miracle tomorrow ( just do it)!

First of all...let's not kid ourselves. This never happened. Ever. You know how I know? Because nobody is dumb enough to throw a brick at a moving car. A rock? Maybe. If I had to, I'd throw a rock at somebody's car to get their attention, but a brick? Isn't that a bit excessive? Besides, last time I checked...bricks are kind of heavy. This kid can throw a brick at a moving car but can't pick up his brother? Do you know how hard you'd have to throw a brick at a moving car (doesn't matter how slow it's going) to actually hit it, let alone make a huge dent in it?

Ok, but let us just overlook the implausibility factor for a moment. Lets take it for face value: an inspirational story...a long winded one at that, but inspirational in an odd sort of way (lets face it, there are a ton of these floating around and this one isn't the best one). It's almost acceptable until the end where you MUST pass it along if you want a miracle. That's right...you guessed it. God has a daily quota of miracles to perform, and your name only gets on the list if you forward this to 7 people (not including you and me). Why pray?! START SPAMMING! That's how you get things done! How is this not a chain letter again?

But that's ok, because this provided the biggest laugh of the day for me. My new favorite catchphrase "If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it". For some reason I just hear Peter Griffin saying that and I start cracking up. I have no problem with religious inspirational stories...I think we need them. For crying out loud, the Bible is full of them...but this is chain mail garbage full of cheesey one liners that some crack pot sat around writing thinking "I'm so effin deep and inspiring". Time to FWD: this to the SPAM folder.

Does the punishment really fit the crime?

Bernie Madoff...put a gun to my head and I couldn't explain to you what he did...but whatever it was, he apparently screwed a butt load of people out of a butt load of money. So, if I was Miss Cleo (whatever happened to her by the way?) I would predict prison time would be in his future. So, I see this article on MSN (cheap plug, please pay me) that he pleads guilty and could face up to 150 years in jail. I'm sure there is a reason why they do this that I'm just too uneducated to realize, but why do they hand out these ridiculously long sentences that obviously nobody could carry out? I mean sure, if this was biblical times and you lived as long as Moses I could see 150 years just being a sizable chunk of your life...but come on...who really lives past 80 anymore? What's the point? Why not just say life sentence...for as long as you're living you are in jail. And what about people who get double life sentences? What does that even mean? If you die and are reincarnated your next life is ALSO sentenced to life in prison? You know who are the people that REALLY stay in jail for a long time? Death row inmates. How many times have you heard "...who has been on Death Row for 20 years..." How hard is it to kill these people? Shouldn't it take like an hour tops? I could probably wipe them all out in a day if I was focused and had nothing to distract me. Why don't they just line everybody up and get a firing squad? How hard would that be? I realize it's kind of Nazi-ish, but really, it is pretty efficient. Gotta at least give them credit for that. I mean they always talk about over-crowded jails...well that's because you keep these people who are sentenced to die around for so dang long. Stop hoarding death row inmates and start spring cleaning them out.

Just let me make the laws. Let me be in charge and I'll fix everything. I'll watch the Watchmen. Speaking of which...go watch the Watchmen....the movie...because it's awesome...and it's Watchmen...in IMAX...which makes it more awesome. Fin.

(sigh) Oh Jack...

So I'm watching the Real World Brooklyn online (not gonna lie, the tranny had me hooked from day one), and I had to sit through another one of those Jack in the Box commercials. I really don't get this marketing gimmick. Why would you potentially kill your spokesperson in a dramatic soap-opera like fashion that spans three commercials (and counting)? What was the point? The greedy exec taking over (Phil in the Box...please). How many small kids are crying because they think Jack is dead? Speaking of which...how creepy is the Burger King...King. He creeps me the hell out. And why are the Trix just for kids? That's agism. And what about the Lucky Charms leprechan? Does he ever get the cereal? Does the cukoo for cocopuffs guy get the cereal? Why the hell do the mascot characters never get the damn item? This is gay. I'm now officially a little ticked off. And for the love of God, the box is big enough for both Fred AND Barney to have a bowl of fruity pebbles. We need a change. We need it now.

Timing is everything

I'm tired of everybody up in my business. No...I'm not talking about people getting involved in my personal life (which by the way, my personal drama consists of whether or not I should watch The Office live and then DVR Grey's Anatomy or other way around). I'm talking about employees at restaurants and other establishments that just seem to have no sense of personal space or timing. Example...last night at the gym one of the workers was wiping down the machines as per his duties. However, he proceeded to wipe down the bike that I was on while I was on it. Not only does that defeat the purpose since I'm obviously still sweating over it long after he leaves, but he was basically date raping me...giving me that "hey, it's my job...what can I do?" look while I just had to sit there and act like it wasn't incredibly awkward. Then today at Subway it was pretty much the same thing. I'm sitting there eating my 5, 5 dollar, 5 dollar foot long sub and homey starts wiping my table RIGHT THEN. No pressure there to not spill the pounds of lettuce they put in those subs over his freshly washed table. He couldn't wait till I had gone? I mean, I realize when business is slow you have to do other things to keep busy, but not at the expense of the customer.

Lesson to be learned: timing is key. Don't wipe my table while I'm eating. Don't wipe down my machine while I'm still working out. And don't vaccuum my living room right in the middle of Saved by the Bell. I don't care if I've seen them all...that won't fly in my house.

We're back!!

So, I finally moved and apparently according to a text I got from my friend, my apartment complex just had a fire the weekend I left. I leave and the whole place falls to pieces...

So, I have no uniform theme or anything to say, just a lot of musings.

I had heard of the UK singer Lily Allen, but I had never heard any of her songs and couldn't put a face to the name. Then on the radio I heard her new single "The Fear" and fell in love with it. So I went on youtube to listen to it when I got home (I youtube songs when I can't afford to download them from iTunes...ghetto? Maybe. It's the coinstar method of online music) and I found a video of her performing it live on Jay Leno (Yes, I linked it for you)...and wow. I fell in love. If I were a polygmast, she'd be one of my wives. As soon as I said that, I started to watch the new Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles episode (the best show you're not watching), and of course my real wife, Summer Glau, starts the show off in her bra and panties. Apparently my wives are fiercely competing for my affection..and it's heating up.

Also, I went to the gym today for the first time since...probably the Reagan administration, and I saw an old Asian man talking on a cellphone...but not just any cellphone...that's right...a ZACK MORRIS BRICK PHONE! It made my day. That's right...EVERYTHING comes back to SBTB.

New Terminator: Salvation trailer came out today. Look at how generous I am...linking you to all these things. Of course, the 2 people that read my blog don't care about it and won't watch it. But you know what, I wouldn't be me if I didn't gush about it.

WATCHMEN FRIDAY!

Time for sorbet and How I Met Your Mother

-Billy

PS: I now only watch shows on DVR-Delay. Life is too short for commercials.

PSS: Sometimes, rules and silences are meant to be broken.

I KNOW you didn't just say that...

Part of my job is transcribing word for word interviews we do. I won't say who to protect the innocent (namely myself), but yesterday was my tipping point.

I try, as a personal standard, to write everything EXACTLY as I hear it, even if it's incorrect, which in a lot of cases it is. However, while logging an interview yesterday, the guy in question used the word "supposebly". Not familiar with that word? Good...because it's not a word. I have integrity when it comes to accurately writing what they say, but I also have standards. I could not bring myself to type "supposebly". That's my line. I tried...I really did. I started to type it, but then I thought "No. This is not right. I can't let this behavior slide"...(besides, what if whoever read it thought I was the idiot who used the word, not the interviewee).

If you are reading this and you are totally confused...that means you are part of the select few idiots that think supposebly is a word. If that's the case, please proceed to the nearest cliff and jump.

That's all I wanted...

http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=351245&GT1=28101

all is right with the world again in this Batman freak's book

Update on Bale

Read this:

http://www.aintitcool.com/node/39984

I did talk to a guy too who worked with Shane (the DP) and said Shane is kind of a "kook" (his word, not mine). Still, I think Christian needs to apologize. I think a 4 minute tirade is just too much.

Badman Begins aka Christian Bale's bitch trip...

For those who haven't heard it...here's Christian Bale taking the DP on Terminator Salvation to town for stepping into the shot. (NOTE...This is the uncensored version...not work friendly)

Now look, I can understand that the DP should have waited till the scene was over. I get that he broke the scene and Christian's concentration. THAT BEING SAID...my word. What the hell is Christian's problem? Keep in mind, two days after that was the alleged assault on his mom and sister (this all happened in July). There are a two things that bother me about this and I'll tell you why.

The first thing that bothers me are people coming to his defense. Already people like Whoopi Goldberg, a co-star from Terminator Salvation, and the producer of said movie have said "look, Christian is a swell guy...he was just having a lousy day". Fair enough. We all blow up at times and I can appreciate his wanting to stay in the scene...his dedication to his art. But this was no slip of the tongue. This is an almost 4 minute diatribe against a crew member who doesn't even bother to fight back. What about Alec Baldwin you might asked who went off on his daughter...people forgave him for that, right? Totally different. He DID blow up at his daughter in a PRIVATE cell phone message that he deeply regretted and really nothing had happened with him before and nothing happened after. Christian PUBLICLY humiliated this guy and if he had "a bad day", well he must have had one a few days later when he "allegedly" assaulted his mother and sister. I can see it now...a slow motion video of him screaming at people and throwing fists while "Bad Day" plays over it..."cause you had a bad day..."

My second, and to me, more important point is...Christian isn't just playing some action guy in a movie. He's playing John Connor...one of the top 10 greatest movie heroes of all time. He also plays Batman...in this guy's book, the number 1 greatest hero of all time. If you are playing these heroic roles where children look up to you, how can you act like that? Like it or not, by signing for these parts you took on the responsibility that these parts hold for you not only on screen, but in your personal life as well. Say what you want about George Clooney being a horrible Batman, but you know what, George Clooney has so much character that most people can only dream about having, let alone movie stars. Imagine if videos came out of Christopher Reeve screaming at the crew while making Superman. It would completely ruin the image of what Superman is supposed to be. Even though he's just an actor, he's more than that because by taking the role of Superman he knew he would have to be a role model.

Normally I can separate an artist from the work they do. I don't care for Tom Cruise as a guy, but I think Valkyrie is a fantastic movie and I think he's fantastic in it. But this is different. I feel like The Dark Knight is tainted now, and unfortunately I feel this stigma will carry into Terminator Salvation. Christian, you need to publicly apologize...AND MEAN IT. No publicist-created bulls**t. Apologize, and move forward, and maybe over time you can regain some credibility. It's a sad day for this Batman fan...while before I believed I really saw Batman come to life, now I know that the apple has fallen very far from the tree, Mr. Wayne.

A couple things that bother me...

When people say "I could care less" instead of "I couldn't care less". If you say "I could care less" that means that your level of not-caring could in fact be lower, inversely meaning that you do on some level care. It's so simple yet boggles my mind that people can't take the extra millisecond to add "n't" to the end of the word.

Also, I hate people that ask questions and answer them to make a point. Let's use Batman as an example...take it away Batman:

Batman: Did watching the murder of my parents make me a little crazy? Yes. Do I dress up as a bat and fight crime? Yes. Do I save lives? I absolutely do.

When you ask and answer a question for dramatic effect, you're essentially saying to me "my point is so inconsequential and borderline invalid that I need to had drama to my phrasing of it to disguise how truly paper thin it is".

That is all.

One more thing about Titanic...

As I hit the "publish post" button yesterday on the Titanic blog I felt like I was missing something. I had watched the movie earlier in the day on TNT and as I was watching it there were two things that stuck out to me as being bothersome in an otherwise pretty good flick. When I went to blog about it, I could only remember one and spent a considerable amount of time trying to think of what the other thing was, finally convincing myself that there probably was only one thing and I just thought there were two. But just right now while I was discussing it with my friend Sarah it hit me like a bolt of lightning...how could I forget?! Yes, the shooting scene is irritating at best, but there is something even more head scratching that comes later on. Remember how I said the ending with Old Rose throwing down the diamond doesn't bother me? Don't worry...it still doesn't...it's what happens next. There was great debate about whether or not she was actually dead at the end...she is folks. She's incredibly dead. She has to be or the whole movie has no emotional impact whatsoever and the meaning of the film is lost. It's not even really up for debate. If you were or know someone who was on the "she didn't die" side of the fence...then you need to slap them or yourself and take a basic story structure class. After Rose dies, she slips into a dream state where we see the Titanic go from sunken ship to heavenly splendor as all of the passengers and crew are there to meet here, as is Jack who has been waiting for her atop the stairs.

Come on...

If I were to die in a horrible tragedy...why would I want to return there in my afterlife? If that's heaven, then heaven is a sick cruel joke. That's like if somebody survived the Holocaust and when they died and went to heaven they were greeted by friends and family members at Auschwitz. Not only is it not an ideal location to spend an ETERNITY with Jack, but what about everybody else? Don't they have their own version of heaven to get to?


If I'm somebody who died on the Titanic and I think I'm going to Heaven and I end up BACK on the damn boat again to fulfill somebody else's sick fantasy, I'm going to be pretty pissed off.

So let us revise the statement..."Titanic is cool man...except for that lame shooting scene...oh yeah, and that gay ass ending...but other than that...solid as a rock."

Let's all be honest about Titanic for a second...

When Titanic came out in 1997 everybody pooped themselves with delight and saw it multiple times in the theater and loved it. That's right...people loved this movie. As cool as it is to bash Titanic these days, chances are you owned the soundtrack with the Celine Dion song that we were all humming for months and organized a slumber party to watch it when it came out on video. When exactly did it become cool to hate this movie? Let the record show, I don't hate Titanic. I actually like Titanic. I think if you take it for what it is, a tragic love story, then it's a pretty darn good movie. Now that I've said that...there is one teeny, tiny thing that irks my chain about Titanic that if I could change, I would. Old Rose dropping the heart of the ocean into the water at the end? No...I could care less about that. My friend said that ruined the movie for him...but it comes about 2 hours and 58 minutes into the 3 hour movie...so I'm guessing it was ruined for him long before that. No no...there is one part that kills me...and it is this part...




No...believe it or not, those are not screen shots from Die Hard. That's right...the evil villain in Titanic (which theoretically speaking, wouldn't that be the ice berg itself?) had to solidify his evilness by shooting a gun at Kate and Leo. There is just nothing good about this scene. First of all, if you're going to use a gun, at least be somewhat accurate and not look like a dumbass by tripping on pieces of furniture that you shoot. Secondly, it's absolutely out of place with the rest of the movie. Up until then we'd been treated to a love story amidst this epic event, and then all of the sudden it's like the film breaks as Billy Zane glides into slow motion and starts shooting this gun like he's auditioning for The Matrix. It crosses that border of being melodramatic and enters the dangerous territory of being ridiculous. Come on...the Titanic is sinking. Do you really think this is the time for crimes of passion? Why try to kill them with your gun when all you have to do is wait like 25 minutes and they'll be at the bottom of the ocean? Think Billy Zane! You were the Phantom! You should know better!

So is Titanic a crappy movie? Certainly not. I think it's just cool to say "Titanic sucks" because everybody likes to think that they didn't suckle at it's teet during it's theatrical run. I'll break from the pack and say that I enjoy this film a great bit...but don't get me wrong...you are more than welcome to say "I liked it, but that shooting scene...totally lame..."

Wrapping up 2008...Parts 4 and 5

Where have I been you ask? Well, I'm a pretty busy guy these days. But alas, I'm a man of my word and I'm here to finish out 2008, so I'm going to combine parts 4 and 5 together so we can get out with the old and in with the new.

PART 4:

Biggest Comeback of 2008 - Britney Spears

It's funny, a year prior she had her vagina hanging out like it was a Christmas decoration...but within a year poor Britney seemed to be pulling herself together. She got rid of K-Fed (who knows what happened to that guy...I hear they're trying to get him to be on the next season of Dancing With the Stars, which doesn't sound very fair to me but whatever), and now has a hit album with "Circus". Who knows, Britney could be the ultimate musical comeback story of all time...pay attention Michael Jackson.

Biggest WTF moment of 2008 - Ben moves the Island on LOST

LOST is an abusive relationship. I know I can do better...but I always seem to go back to it because deep down, I really do love it. After a season that was just as mind numbingly frustrating as the last, the season ended with Ben, the notorious villain of the island, turning a magical wheel to "move" the island and then...*poof*...it was gone. At the time I was mortified. It was a turn in the show I was praying they wouldn't take, but they did. Fortunately, the season 5 premiere has aired and has made sense of this and has somewhat redeemed the season 4 finale, but still...with no context, it's certainly a huge wtf?! moment.

Best Movie Everyone Ignored and it Pisses Me Off of 2008 - Speed Racer

Everybody wrote off Speed Racer. Everybody said "I don't wanna see that movie". It was one of the biggest flops in Hollywood history losing tens of millions of dollars. And it was one of the best movies of 2008. Forget the special effects...they were there, sure, but that's not what I remember most from Speed Racer. Speed Racer is one of the few "family" movies of late that you can actually take the whole family to. It's themes of redemption, loyalty, and family togetherness are sorely missing in society today and were all pulled of beautifully ending with a finale that ALMOST made me cry...almost. Do yourself a favor...quit being a hater and see this movie.

Part 5 is just one thing...because it deserves its own category...

Best thing that encompasses all which was 2008 - The Dark Knight

Batman Begins is really good. But The Dark Knight is in a league of it's own. Never before has a comic book movie transcended it's own roots to become something so much more than what Christopher Nolan did with this film. While many rant and rave about Heath Ledger's performance as The Joker (which is beyond amazing), I think the film really belongs to Harvey Dent, played by Aaron Eckhardt. Two Face is a character I never much cared for because I didn't understand his need for this coin...it seemed just a smidgen ridiculous. But the way the movie portrays him as a guy pushed over the edge really brought a new dimension to the character that I thought really opened him up and made me sympathize. I don't even have to recommend this to anyone because everybody and their mom saw this...it made almost 1 billion worldwide!

That was 2008...triumphs and tragedies...good times and heart breaks...Izzy talking to a dead Denny...we'll never forget you 2008...except you dead Denny...I try to forget you every day.

The Best and Worst of 2008: Part 3

I apologize for the wait, but now here is part 3 of the year 2008 in review...

Movie That SHOULD Have Sucked but Was Good of 2008 - The Incredible Hulk
[EDITOR'S NOTE: The picture above (compliments of Chelle) is completely irrelevant to the story. It just makes me laugh. I mean it's Carl Winslow on Hulk's body! Come on!]

2003's "The Hulk" is probably one of the most painful movies to sit through that has ever graced the silver screen. That being said, the character of the Hulk just isn't that interesting to me so I was not looking forward to the sequel/reboot, "The Incredible Hulk". Lo and behold, with the help of Edward Norton as much more believable Bruce Banner than Eric Bana (Banner is supposed to be skinny, not an American Gladiator BEFORE he Hulks out) and some kick ass action scenes, this movie was a surprising hit. Doesn't hurt that RDJ showed up as Tony Stark at the end to set up the inevitable Avengers movie.

Movie That SHOULD Have Been Good but Sucked of 2008 - Get Smart

I tried to like this movie, I really did. It had everything going for it. Steve Carell is a hilarious performer, Anne Hathaway is a babe, and Dwayne "I'd Drop The Rock Moniker if Anybody Knew My Real Name By Itself" Johnson always adds a pinch of charisma to any movie he's in. But somehow, this movie just missed the mark on every note. It couldn't decide if it wanted to be an action movie or a comedy, so it tackled both with mediocrity. It hurts me to say this, but Steve Carell was just painfully unfunny in this movie. Every joke he made, he explained why it was funny. As The Joker once said to Harley Quinn "It's not a joke if you have to explain the punchline!"

Hardest Working Actor of 2008 - Terrance Stamp
The bad economy must have hit Mr. Stamp hard because he was in EVERYTHING this year. Providing the voice of Jor-El on Smallville while also making appearances in Get Smart, Wanted, Yes Man, and Valkyrie, it just wasn't a movie without this guy in it. Still, it's tough to hear his voice as Superman's daddy on Smallville when he played Superman's nemesis General Zod in Superman II. And who could forget his role as Chancellor Valorum in Star Wars Episode I...oh yeah...everybody forgot...because that movie sucks. The only actor who works as hard is Morgan Freeman. Could you imagine a movie with Terrance Stamp AND Morgan Freeman?! Excuse me, I need to go make some phone calls...

Best TV Show of 2008 - Dexter (Season 3)

It was a tough choice between this and Friday Night Lights Season 3, but seeing as though FNL hasn't aired yet on NBC (only on Direct TV so far), I decided to give the nod to Dexter. Season 2 of Dexter was quite possibly the greatest season of television I have ever witnessed, and as such, I was nervous about how Season 3 was going to play out. How could they possibly top it? Well they didn't...but they did. Many times, sequels and continuations of shows try to simply outdo the last one, and they usually fail miserably. The great thing about Season 3 of Dexter is that it decided to go a new direction and give us something fresh and ultimately extremely memorable. Adding Jimmy Smitts as District Attorney Miguel Prada was a GENIUS casting move that I didn't fully appreciate until halfway through the season when I realized that this was an amazing new approach to Dexter. Just like at the end of Season 2, I'm now wondering how they're going to top Season 3 next year. God Bless Showtime and Long Live Dexter!


Check back in the next couple days for Part 4.